Popular jokes (4006 to 4020)

I gave up my job as...

“I gave up my job as a high-wire walker because I was struggling to achieve work-life balance.”

Two young men from up in Minne...

Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Sven smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"
Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

Perv in the Lingerie Store

Q: Why did the perv go into Victoria's Secret?

A: The panties were half off.

Planning WWIII

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

Laura Kightlinger: Christmas Sadness

My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. Cause Im plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didnt I get to open this year?

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for...

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker

"I believe in dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures."

Short funny jokes-Liposuction

Everyone Is Playing Golf

An office employee knowing his boss was off for the day transferred the office telephone to his own cell phone and took it with him to play golf.
The boss called and asked how everything was going and the employee said fine.
The boss then said, "Move a little faster then, will you, I'm in the foursome behind you."

A dog at the movies...

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash.

He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ... because he hated the book!"

A blonde was walking her dogs

A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says, "Oh my, you have such beautiful dogs. What are their names?"
The blonde replies, "Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex."
The man responds, "Huh, that's interesting. Why did you name them such names?"
The blonde sighs and shakes her head, "Everyone keeps asking me the same thing... duhh, what else would you name your watch dogs?"

A man went to an upscale Manha...

A man went to an upscale Manhattan restaurant and ordered soup du jour. When the waitress brought it out, he exclaimed, "What is this?"
The waitress said, "Why, it's bean soup."
The man said, "I don't care what it has been, what is it now?"

Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

Rectum

Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.

"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!"

"Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum."

"Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

I am sorry doctor...

"I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual but I seem to have a lettuce stuck in my bottom!"
"Good grief," the doctor replies, "I'd better take a look."
"It's worse than that," the doctor says after the examination. "That's just the tip of the iceberg."