Popular jokes (4381 to 4395)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Walking with a lantern...
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris...
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Ralphie May - Dora the Explorer
Have you seen this show? If you havent, its about a five-year-old little Mexican girl thats always lost. It should be called Dora the Amber Alert.Some Very Common Traits In Two Drunks
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
Goldfish burial
Little eight-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," Nancy sobbed. "And I've just buried him."
The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said condescendingly: "That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: "That's because he's inside your cat."
Missed it
A busload of tourists arrives at Runnymede, just west of central London.
They gather around the guide who says: “This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A guy at the front of the crowd asks: "When did that happen?”
“1215,” answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says: “Damn! Missed it by a half hour.”
The 6th grade science teacher...
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
The clown with a split persona
The clown with a split personality was a bit of a Juggle and Hyde character.You know your getting older when...
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting 'lucky' means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
The race
Two natural gas company service personnel, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to their truck.
As they approached the truck, they realized that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run, too!"
Qualities of a woman
Top 5 qualities of a woman:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER...
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Your mama so old
Your mama so old her first Christmas was the first Christmas. 
