Popular jokes (5371 to 5385)

Rubick's Cube

What do Rubick's Cubes and penises have in common?

- The more you play with them, the harder they get.

A Lesbian Visits the Doctor

A lesbian goes to her doctor for her annual physical.

After the doctor completes the physical, she says, "You can

get dressed now. Your test results will be back in a few

days. Stop by my office and I'll review the exam I just gave

you."

When the patient gets to the office, the doctor says, "Well,

you seem to be in perfect health. I couldn't find a thing

wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on

your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients,

and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her genital area

so clean and fresh."

The patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason for

that . . . you see, I have a woman in at least three times a

week."

Top 10 things NOT to say to...

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date
1. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
2. "Show me how you used to spank her."
3. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
4. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
5. "I just got my license today."
6. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
7. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
8. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
9. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob'."
10. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?"

A woman went into a busy cake...

A woman went into a busy cake shop and when it was her turn to be served she commented, "You know, I came into this shop 15 years ago when I was just a girl."
Snapped the harassed shop assistant, "I'm sorry about that but I'm serving as fast as I can."

Cats

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Joke of the Day, posted everyday on getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

A lady noticed her husband sta...

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

1/2 Blonde

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
- Gifted!

While living in Denver the wea...

While living in Denver the weatherman said, expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight so park on the right side of the road so we can plow the left side. Willie’s wife ran out and parked on the right side. The next week the forecast called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, but this time he said park on the left side. So Willie’s wife ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road. The following week he said 16 inches of snow expected park, the lights went out and all our power was lost. Willie’s wife said, my goodness, now I don’t know where to park the car. “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage!” Willie said.

Kidnapped

Most Friday nights at the naval station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officer's club after work. Z
One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m.
We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, 'Rick has been kidnapped.
Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officer's club.' Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table.
In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket, and a teddy bear.
Attached to the bear was a note: 'Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home.'

Hand In My Pocket

Photographer to young man: "It will make a much better picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."
Father: "It would be much more realistic if he had his hand in my pocket."

Two men are standing at the to

Two men are standing at the top of a cliff. One has two budgies, one on each shoulder. The other has a parrot and a shotgun.
The first guy jumps off the cliff and on the way down the birds fly away. He crashes on the rocks below and rolls over on his back. He looks up just in time to see his friend jump off too.
As the second guy falls the & parrot flies off, he pulls up his shot gun and shoots the bird just before he too crashes onto the rocks.
They lie there groaning in agony for a bit before the first guy says, "I really don't see what is supposed to be so great about budgie jumping!"
The second guy lets out a groan and says, "I'm really not too impressed with free-fall parrot shooting either!"

Orange

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"      

Invisible patient

- Doctor, there is a patient on line 1 that say he's invisible.
- Well, tell him I can't see him right now.

Once there was a golfer whose...

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay.
He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot.
Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived.
One dazed ant said to the other, "What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on that ball!"

One-armed butlers

'One-armed butlers - they can take it but they can't dish it out.'

Tim Vine (March 4 1967-)