Popular jokes (6811 to 6825)

Knock Knock Collection 187

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Vivaldi!
Vivaldi who?
Vivaldi books, there's nothing to read!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Vlad!
Vlad who?
Vlad to meet you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Voodoo!
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Waddle!
Waddle who?
Waddle you give me if I go away!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wade!
Wade who?
Wade till next time!

According to the FBI, most mod

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticatedand unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This informationwas included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank,"by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras,76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bankbefore robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing theloot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of thefellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while makinghis getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank anddown the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passingpolice car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdupnote by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to theground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelopebearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature andaccount number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried tohold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where heshowed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a notesaying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointmenton his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bankrobbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawingattention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida whotook a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove upto a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered thesecurity men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller'scar, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego andBoston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself inthe head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminalin Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, forexample, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bankholdups reported.

Grandpa and God

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, “Now, how are we alike?”
“You’re both old,” he replied.

I'm addicTED

I'm addicTED to inspirational 17-minute speeches.

Makin' babies

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

Two Priests on Vacation

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” – “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!”

 Steven Wright 10

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back to sleep..."
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.
I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.

Represent Christmas

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

Buckwheat

Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

Good jokes-Windy

Legless Poodle

What do you call a poodle with no legs?

A sponge.

Two Hedgehogs at a Zebra Crossing

Two hedgehogs are in the middle of the road by a zebra crossing. One says, "Don't cross here!"

The other one says, "Why not?"

The first one says, "Look what happened to this zebra!"

Morning Wood

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***

(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally

walked into the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's

washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.

Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever

hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom,

start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so

I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is

that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go

into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used,

take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still

manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his

left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya

those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no

longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am

required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this

is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the

toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked

toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot

to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about,

but because you and I have become such good friends and you

think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you

because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be

understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous

desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds

with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that

thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell,

if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the

wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women

insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat

covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So

that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat

and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that

perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the

guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get

the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You

jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat

stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that

compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning

that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack

off your

weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's

just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning

situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won't bend.

She said, "sit down like I told you to do

all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the

toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat,

and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath

towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you

are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the

toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from

the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top

of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it

runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching

fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of

the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this

morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman

position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal

of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but

it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl

during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally

to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and

bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just

get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a

problem!!!

Stop Credit Card Fraud

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge. What these fail to address, however, is that if I'm perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I'm not about to give out a correct phone number. They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.
Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?
I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that theives have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card.

 Elephant Jokes 08

What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant?
An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!

What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old?
Six weeks old!

What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail?
This is the end of me!

Policeman: "One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle."
Zoo Keeper: "Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!"
Why do the elephants have short tails?
Because they can't remember long stories!

How to you keep an elephant in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!

"Dad, Mum is fighting with an enormous elephant in the garden!"
"Don't worry dear, I'm sure the elephant can look after itself!"
My elephants got no trunk?
How does it smell?
Terrible!

What do elephants sing at christmas?
Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants...
Who do elephants get their christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus!