Popular jokes (6826 to 6840)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Mr. Johnson was overweight, so...
Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.He said, I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.
When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds.
Why, thats amazing! the doctor told him. You did this just by following my instructions?
The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. Ill tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
From hunger, you mean.
No, replied Mr. Johnson, from skipping.
Nuns at the Hospital
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Nice Caboose
I took the train to NYC today and the conductor paid me the nicest compliment as I was boarding...
They said, “First class rear..."
Do irrigation systems work? Ye
Do irrigation systems work? Yes, moist of the time.In retrospect
My wife came running from the kitchen and asked, "What are you watching?"
I replied, "Video of our marriage!"
Sunday school lesson...
The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the teacher decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals.
"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is.
First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."
The children looked at her blankly.
"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."
No response. This wasn't going well at all!
Finally a kid volunteered:
"Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus....but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"
Socksist remark
As a feminist, I don't make jokes about hose. It is a socksist remark. It hits too clothes to home.Census...
Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'
Ethiopian
What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit? A show-off!Dear Abby,
My
Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States.
The phone rings and the lady o
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.''Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
Alphabet Killer
A British guy stabbed the 12th letter of the alphabet several times.
Bloody L.
For their anniversary, a coupl...
For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
"I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."
