Popular jokes (7321 to 7335)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Lost....
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you!" he said. "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."
What Do You Want For Our 40th Wedding Anniversay?
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for our anniversary?" John asks.
"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.
A kid goes to his dad and asks
A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"His dad replies, "Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capitalisms. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."
So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his diaper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."
"You do? Tell me."
"OK, while capitalisms is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"
A man walks into a bar and sta...
A man walks into a bar and starts to drink. After he is pretty well sozzled, one of the bartenders starts to talk about his pet, a fun loving purple gorilla. The drunken man demands to see this purple gorilla. The bartender refuses at first, but in the end is convinced to show his prize animal."But whatever you do, don't you touch my purple gorilla." he tells the now drunk customer.
He closes the bar, and leads the drunk through a back door and down a great many flights of stairs, at the bottom of which is a heavy steel door with a heavy iron padlock.
As the bartender fumbles with the lock, he reminds the drunk, "Remember, you promised not to touch my purple gorilla."
Through the door they walk down an immense hallway, so long the other end was lost in the distance. Constantly as they walked, the bartender repeated his warnings not to touch the purple gorilla.
At the end of the hallway was a 20 foot tall rough wooden door bound in brass, with three great steel sliding bolts. Acting as though he were ready to change his mind the bartender once more says, "Now you promised, if I show you this creature, you are absolutely, positively, under no circumstances going to touch my purple gorilla.
The drunk, who by now is getting quite anxious to see this wondrous beast, agrees with the bartender that he would never for any reason at all touch such a rare and wonderful pet.
With that the bartender unlatches the three massive slide bolts and slowly opens the door. On the other side is a stadium sized room in the middle of which was a large iron cage. As they approached the cage, the drunk saw that there was indeed, a 12 foot tall, massively muscled, purple haired gorilla. And a finer specimen of the species has never and will never be found, in this world or any other. For half an hour at least the drunk stood marveling at the creature, until the bartender tells him that he needs to get back to help at the bar.
The drunk convinces him to allow him to stay and continue to examine the purple gorilla. The bartender leaves him with one last demand to not touch the wonderful animal. Now the drunk, being reminded of his promise not to touch the purple gorilla, starts to wonder why the bartender was so insistent about not touching the beast. Would touching it make him smarter, stronger, richer, or irresistible to women? After an hour he gave in to the temptation, and touched the purple gorilla.
"A A A A R R R R R G G G G G G H H H H H H H ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !" growled the monster as it began to tear at the bars. The fog in the drunk's brain cleared instantly with instant sobriety as the first bar came loose from the cage wall. He turned and ran. As he slid the three slide bars closed on the wooden door, he heard the cage fall in pieces on the floor as the huge purple gorilla came after him.
Running down the hall towards the stairs, he wondered why he had even considered breaking his promise not to touch the purple gorilla. As he reached the steel door he heard the wooden door smash into firewood, and the heavy thudding of the immense omnivore tearing down the hall after him. As he shut the steel door, he caught a glimpse of purple.
Panting and out of breath, he ascended the stairs. Only half way up, he heard the screech of the steel door being torn off its hinges. Looking over his shoulder as he opened the back door of the bar, he saw the slobbering, many sharp toothed, growling purple face getting way too close to him.
As he passed through the entrance to the bar, the back door exploded into splinters, and the purple gorilla leaped across the room in a single bound, the drunk stumbled and hit the sidewalk.
Lying there trembling, sure that these were the last few seconds he would have on this earth, the sobered drunk looked up to see the dark, fang lined cavernous maw, and the rippling purple muscles of the horror as it reached down to him.
"Tag, you're It." it said.
Going On My Own
Little Annie: “Mommy, mommy, I’m going to the bathroom on my own!”
Mommy: “Good girl! #1 or #2??”
Little Annie: “If there’s a #2, it must be hiding...”
Fire Truck
When a small village decided to buy a new fire truck, the town council met to decide what to do with the old one.
Randall, an older man, stood up. "Ah think we should keep the old truck," he said. "We can use it for all them false alarms!"
The eagle and the stud...
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asked the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
"Honey," said this husband to ...
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper.""What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."
Two blondes were in a parking ...
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
