Popular jokes (8071 to 8085)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Short Christmas Riddles
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?The letter "D".
What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!
What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.
What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes?
A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)
What's red and white and red and white and red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down a hill.
Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
Holly-wood.
Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
Because snow man is an island.
A police officer was investiga...
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
Helping Out The Knight
Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards.
After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts 'A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!".
The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, "Your pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses".
Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says "But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may accuire alternative transportation?".
The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?"
Sir Edgbert is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal". The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She dissapears inside and returns leading and enormous dogs which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. It's coat is threadbare, it's legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing labouriously.
Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, "Surely, you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"
Japanese goldfish act so Japanese goldfish act so koi.
Bill, wake up!
Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"
Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."
To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
Son of a lawyer...
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
The Search for a Pastor During Bible Times
Dear Member,
We do not have a happy report, as we have not been able to find a suitable candidate for pastor of our church thus far. We do, however, have one promising prospect. The following is our confidential report on the candidates:
Adam: Good man, but has problems with his wife.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart. Interprets dreams. Has a prison record.
Moses: Modest and meek, but poor communicator; even stutters at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings.
Deborah: One word—female.
David: The most promising candidate of all, until we discovered the affair he had with a neighbor’s wife.
Solomon: Great preacher, but serious woman problems.
Elijah: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
Jonah: Told us he was swallowed by a huge fish. He said the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Backward and unpolished. With some seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a problem with wealthy people.
John: Says he’s a Baptist, but doesn’t dress like one. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Paul: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. But he’s short on tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach all night.
Timothy: Too young.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday with great hopes that he will accept our offer!
From "Moses' Favorite Travel Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.
Gabriel Iglesias: Tear It Up
Im a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.Remember how...
A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.
"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?"
He reached over and held her tight.
"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."
What's the difference...
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce." he replied.
The Paleozoic era was even mor
The Paleozoic era was even more computerized than today. Instead of kilobytes, they had trilobites.Nice Caboose
I took the train to NYC today and the conductor paid me the nicest compliment as I was boarding...
They said, “First class rear..."
