Popular jokes (9346 to 9360)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Driver Illegally Parks
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
Man-guage
A guide to man language“I'M GOING FISHING” Means: “I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“IT'S A GUY THING” Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” Means: “Why isn't dinner already on the table?”
“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR…” Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN” Means: “I have no idea how it works.”
“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.” Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”
“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD.” Means: “I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.” Means: “Are you still talking?”
“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.” Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.” Means: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
“OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.” Means: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.”
“HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING.” Means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.”
“I CAN'T FIND IT.” Means: “It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.”
“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?” Means: “What did you catch me at?”
“I HEARD YOU.” Means: “I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”
“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE” Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.” Means: “”Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.”
“I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.” Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”
Hymns for Senior Citizens
"Precious Lord, Take My hand and Help Me Up”"It Is Well With My Soul, but My Knees Hurt”"Just a Slower Walk with Thee”"Go Tell It on the Mountain, but Please Speak Up”"Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing”Winning toast
Patrick hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"
And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said: "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street.
Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
“Weight loss pills st
“Weight loss pills stolen this morning - police say suspects are still at large.”
Bumper Stickers 17
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
Did Picasso make stained glass
Did Picasso make stained glass windows? Sorry, no Pablo in glaze.Joe Smith started the day earl
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6am.While his coffeepot (made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).
He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore) and tennis shoes (made in Korea).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in India) he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (made in Taiwan) to the radio (made in India) he got in his car (made in Germany) filled it with gas (from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search for a good paying British job.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (made in Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in France) and turned on his TV (made in Indonesia), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in Britain.
Social climbers are trying to
Social climbers are trying to reach higher into the statusphere.Visiting A Barber
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Doctor, you must help me....
A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.
The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. . . . doctor, I'm very concerned!"
The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said,: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old gent's response was, "Well. . . three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
