Popular jokes (9766 to 9780)

Really funny jokes-Cowboy bragging

“Cotton farming is a

“Cotton farming is a classic struggle of goods versus weevils.”

 Elephant Jokes 13

Why did the elephant walk on two feet?
To give the ants a chance!

Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they've no pockets to put things in!

Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain?
To stop getting wet!

What do elephants do in the evenings?
Watch elevision!

How to elephants talk to each other?
By 'elephone!

What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over the hill towards him wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them!

When do elephants have 8 feet?
When there are two of them!

What did the elephant say to the famous detective?
It's ele-mentary, my dear Sherlock!

Zoo Keeper:"I've lost one of my elephants"
Other Zoo Keeper:"Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
Zoo Keeper:"Don't be silly, he can't read!"
What do you do if you find a blue elephant?
Try and cheer him up!

100% Polar bear...

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

"Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

"Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?"

Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing to death out here!"

A friend just got back from a

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kindof story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions wereperfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over,"tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that shewas in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that hewas sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the formof a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, ofcourse, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you knowthat a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, withtime running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband,picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since shewas wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. Noone would even notice, he assured her. The white would provide more thanadequate camouflage.So she headed for the tree line, began disrobingand proceeded to do her thing.
If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there isa right way and a wrong way to "set" your skis so you don't move.Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are notforgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman foundherself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees,somehow missing all of them, and onto another slope. Her derriereand the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees,and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backward,totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for other skiers.The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under thelift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was thatshe broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long lasther husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the baseof the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her tothe hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with anobviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd youbreak your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the damnest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding upthe ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There wasthis crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain withher bare bottom hanging out of her clothes, and her pants downaround her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess Ididn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift.
So how'd you break your arm?"

What would you like for your birthday....

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

A 70-year-old man goes to the

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everythingseems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? Howis your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond,he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to thebathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, heturns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you aboutyour husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when heneeds to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns itoff for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been pissing in the fridge!''

I borrowed your dog, didn̵

I borrowed your dog, didn't return it, and now you're acting all petulant?

Two Mexican detectives were in

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

“Are you a sleepy ske

“Are you a sleepy skeleton? Because you look bone tired.”

A young woman asked her mom on

A young woman asked her mom one day, "How do I keep guys off me?" and her mom replied, "Ask him what the baby's name will be".
So the next day she goes to a party and asks guys who are hitting on her, "What will the baby's name be?"
This gets rid of them in a hurry.
Then one guy dances with her and she asks, "What will the baby's name be?"
So he takes her upstairs and when they're done she asks again, "What will the baby's name be?"
He then removes his condom, ties it at the top and says, "If the baby gets out of this, call him Houdini."

Elephants and Marshmallows

Q: Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
A: Because he didnt want to fall into the hot chocolate.

When I was six months pregnant

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your bum?"

An elderly couple had been dat

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"

When you give people lethal pr

When you give people lethal prescription painkillers you in fentanyl ize them.