Popular jokes (9796 to 9810)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
How to Make Holy Water
Q: How did the bishop make holy water?
A: He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Ever Slept with an U
One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with plenty."
One Sunday, in counting the mo
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, thepastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelopecontaining $1,000. It happened again the next week. The followingSunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a littleold lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went onfor weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her."Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week inthe collection plate," he stated."Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
When I went to the French poul
When I went to the French poultry farm, it was a mess! The poulet everywhere.Making out
A guy and a blond are on a date, and after dinner and a movie, they head on up to "Makeout Mountain", where things get a little hot 'n' heavy.Then the guy leans over, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"
"No."
Unfazed, they continue making out.
The guy trys again, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"
"No.
A little frustrated, the man decides to ignore it. They continue to get pretty into it.
Soon, the man figures he can ask again, "Do you want to go in the backseat?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I want to stay up here with you."
Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis
Nate Bargatze: Comedy for the Troops
When you do comedy to troops you stay on an army base, but in Bahrain you could actually leave the base and go to the downtown Bahrain. When you go out there theyre like, Look, its safe just dont draw attention to yourself. Dont wear American t-shirts and stuff. And youre like, All right thats fine, no American t-shirts. So what are you going to do about the white on my skin?2 Blonde Guys & The Wrong Nails
Ron and John, 2 Blonde Guy were building a house.
John was on a ladder, nailing.
He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
Ron couldn't stand it any longer and yelled, 'Why are you throwing some of the nails away?'
John explained, 'When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me, I throw it away.
If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it.'
Ron replied, 'What's wrong with you?
Don't throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house.'
A woman goes away on vacation
A woman goes away on vacation and has her brother watch her cat. On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her that the cat is dead.The woman immediately goes into hysterics, really upset and says, "You can't tell a person bad news like that. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be ok. The third day you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day the brother calls the woman up and says, "I have news."
"What?"
"Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down ..."
A woman asking people question
A woman asking people questions for her company's survey walked up to a man and asked if he would be willing to participate. He said, “Sure”. She asked him to name something expensive that he wished he had never bought. The man answered, “My wedding ring.”How Many Dogs does it Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Bulls Fight
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
What's yellow and goes slam, s...
What's yellow and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?The Smiths were proud of their...
The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
