Popular jokes (9826 to 9840)

A kid walks up to his mom and ...

A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?" The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"

Birthday jokes-Present

Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

Upon hearing that her elderly

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along."

A mother is cleaning her teena...

A mother is cleaning her teenage daughter's room when she finds a bondage magazine hidden under the bed. She shows it to her husband and asks him what he thinks they should do.
After flicking through the magazine her husband says, 'To be honest I'm not sure, but I don't think spanking her is going to help.'

Every Pol Pot joke ends the sa

Every Pol Pot joke ends the same way: “napalm intended!” …

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

School Report

Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the invasion of Normandy.

“Isn't there a movie about that?” she asked.

I told her there was, but I couldn't think of the name.

Then it came to her, “Oh, I remember! Isn't it something like ‘Finding Private Nemo'?”

Eyebrows

An extremely ugly man was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is his polar opposite. In fact, he may be the most handsome man in town.

The two of them are discussing a beautiful blonde girl sitting at the bar.

The handsome man said, "Boy, I sure would like to get some of that."

The ugly man said, "Go ahead, go for it."

The handsome man said, "There's no way, she won't go with anybody, I've tried many times."

The ugly man said, "I think I could go out with her if I wanted to."

The handsome man laughed and said, "If she won't go out with me, she sure as hell won't go out with you."

Ugly said, "I'll bet you fifty bucks she'll go with me."

Handsome says, "You're on!"

Ugly says, "OK, just leave the money with the bartender and I'll pick it up later."

He walks up to the girl, starts talking and then turned around and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him.

The handsome man couldn't believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, "What happened? What did he say to her?"

The bartender told him, "Well, he didn't say much. He just said it's a nice night for a walk. And then he licked his eyebrows and left."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci and yisman

A fire fighter is working on t

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Identity crisis...

A wild-eyed man, dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat, entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch, and tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power--everything! But I'm afriad my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"

"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."

Change Your Course

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course 10 degree east."

The light signals back: "Change yours, 10 degrees west."

Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!"

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."

Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"

There is one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

Intensity of dog flatulence?

Intensity of dog flatulence? Why, that's measured by the Bowfart Wind Scale!

Ski season...

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

The Bad Knife Thrower

Little Johnny: That knife-throwing act was terrible. I want my money back.
Carnival Owner: What was the matter with it?
Little Johnny: Call that a knife thrower? He got ten chances and he didn’t even hit that girl once!