Popular jokes (9841 to 9855)

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

School Report

Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the invasion of Normandy.

“Isn't there a movie about that?” she asked.

I told her there was, but I couldn't think of the name.

Then it came to her, “Oh, I remember! Isn't it something like ‘Finding Private Nemo'?”

Eyebrows

An extremely ugly man was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is his polar opposite. In fact, he may be the most handsome man in town.

The two of them are discussing a beautiful blonde girl sitting at the bar.

The handsome man said, "Boy, I sure would like to get some of that."

The ugly man said, "Go ahead, go for it."

The handsome man said, "There's no way, she won't go with anybody, I've tried many times."

The ugly man said, "I think I could go out with her if I wanted to."

The handsome man laughed and said, "If she won't go out with me, she sure as hell won't go out with you."

Ugly said, "I'll bet you fifty bucks she'll go with me."

Handsome says, "You're on!"

Ugly says, "OK, just leave the money with the bartender and I'll pick it up later."

He walks up to the girl, starts talking and then turned around and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him.

The handsome man couldn't believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, "What happened? What did he say to her?"

The bartender told him, "Well, he didn't say much. He just said it's a nice night for a walk. And then he licked his eyebrows and left."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci and yisman

A fire fighter is working on t

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Identity crisis...

A wild-eyed man, dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat, entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch, and tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power--everything! But I'm afriad my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"

"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."

Change Your Course

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course 10 degree east."

The light signals back: "Change yours, 10 degrees west."

Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!"

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."

Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"

There is one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

Intensity of dog flatulence?

Intensity of dog flatulence? Why, that's measured by the Bowfart Wind Scale!

Famous Last Words

Q: What are the famous last words of a redneck?

A: "Hey ya'll... Watch this!"

Ski season...

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

A young virgin couple are fina

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
"Pop, what do I do first?"
"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
"What do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.
"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.
"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"

The Bad Knife Thrower

Little Johnny: That knife-throwing act was terrible. I want my money back.
Carnival Owner: What was the matter with it?
Little Johnny: Call that a knife thrower? He got ten chances and he didn’t even hit that girl once!

Bless This Car

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently."What are you doing?" the priest asks.The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service.""Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says."I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies."Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

Golf on Christmas...

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early on Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says " Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I patted my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'Take your sweater, looks like it might be windy out there'."

If God Had Voice Mail

Thank you for calling heaven.
I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
The Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Dirty taste...

Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia.

Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him.

The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.

About five minutes later, it happened again.

The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.

Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue.

The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"

The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci