Popular jokes (9901 to 9915)

“I ordered that a vau

“I ordered that a vault and speakers be delivered at my home yesterday. They arrived safe and sound.”

Marriage Advice

When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first seven years are the hardest," she said.
"How long have you been married?" I asked.
"Seven years," she replied.

Blondes Birthday

A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was crying.

"What's wrong, miss? Are you ok?" he asked.

Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it?"

The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish and blow!"

She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her-they didn't even know each others names-but hey, when you've got a hot blonde sucking on your cock, like you're really going to say, no don't suck it.

He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like it?"

He said, "Yes, of course, you suck cock great...but I'm just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock??"

She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to."

Now he's confused. "What I told you to?"

Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already...You said, 'Make a wish and blow!'"

While being serenaded in a che

While being serenaded in a cheesy Italian restaurant, you should behave accordionly.

Migrating Birds

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: It's too far to walk.

The Wrong Finger

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "It makes sense, don't you think? After all I married the wrong man."

The hunched-back man decides v

The hunched-back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back.
Doctor: I need for you to get undressed, sir.
(Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)
Hunchback: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.
Doctor: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed.
(Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)
Hunchback: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.
Doctor: Do you want me to examine your back or not?
(Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt)
Doctor: Ah...just how long is it since you were in school?
Hunchback: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?
Doctor: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?

Motto of the Analympic

Motto of the Analympics: Stronger Faster Farter.

E.T.s eyes

Why are E.T.s eyes so big?

Because he saw the phone bill.

 Washington Crazy Law

It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.

All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle.

People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.

You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday.

All lollipops are banned.

You are breaking the law if you sell or place in the stream of commerce a crib that has: corner posts that extend more than 1/16-inch above end panels; slats more than 2 3/8 inches apart; a mattress support that releases easily from corner posts; cutout designs on the end panels; tears in mesh or fabric; missing or loose screws, bolts, or hardware; sharp edges, points, or rough surfaces on wood surfaces that are not smooth and free from splinters, splits or cracks. The new Infant Crib Safety Act in California (AB 3760, Speier), Colorado (SB 98-023,Pascoe and Morrison) and Washington State (SSB 6229, Kohl and Pennington) states that "no commercial user shall manufacture, retrofit, sell, contract to sell or resell, lease, sublet or otherwise place in the stream of commerce, a full-size or non-full-size crib that is unsafe for any infant using the crib.

It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.

You are not allowed to breast feed in public.

When two trains come to a crossing, neither shall go until the other has passed.

A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town."

Auburn

Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.

Bremerton

You may not shuck peanuts on the street.

Everett

It is illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window.

Lynden

Dancing and drinking may not occur at the same establishment.

Seattle

You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.

Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.

No one may set fire to another person's property without prior permission.

It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers.

Spokane

TV's may not be bought on Sundays.

Waldron Island

No structure shall contain more than two toilets that use potable water for flushing. -San Juan County Ordinance NO. 7 -1995 (Passed June 7,1995)

Wilbur

You may not ride an ugly horse.

#joke #policeman #animal #horse #food #peanuts #meat

Mike Birbiglia: Heard About It

Technologys moving so fast, man. Its to the point where you can make stuff up, and people will believe you. You can be like, You seen the new Sony Teleporter? People will be like, No, but I heard about it. I end up saying that all the time -- No, but I heard about it. It means I havent heard about it, but I like you.

A guy walks into a doctor's o

A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?"
The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure."
So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your stuttering."
The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da- da-doctor?"
"It's your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large penis - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with."
The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?"
"Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one."
"Do it!" the guy replies.
So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment. He says, "Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it anymore with my new, shorter penis. I've thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without the sex - I want you to put my long one back on."
The doctor says, "No-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da-deal!"

One sunny day in Ireland, two

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says, "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"
The second man turns around and says, "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?"
"I'm from Dublin," came the reply.
"Me too! What street do you live on?"
"McCarthy street."
The second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?"
"162," the first man replies.
"Me too! What are your parents names?"
"Connor and Shannon."
The second man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks, "What's new today?"
"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though."

 Knock Knock Collection 022

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Barbara!
Barbara who?
Barbara black sheep, have you any wool...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bea!
Bea who?
Beatle Bailey!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bean!
Bean who?
Bean fishing lately?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Beethoven!
Beethoven who?
Beethoven is too hot!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Beets!
Beets who?
Beets me!

Lucky Number Seven

On our seventh wedding anniversary I broke out in hives...
I think they call that the seven year itch!