Popular jokes (9931 to 9945)

 Answering Machine Message 230

Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will be crewed by the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah. Random fact number 36: Bren's not here and he wants you leave a message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota.

Church Bulletin Bloopers

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Things Never Change

It's a sign of the time.... it's like being 16 again...
Gas is cheap and I'm grounded again!

"What happened to you?" said t

"What happened to you?" said the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"I decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but I couldn't make it out."
"I decided to go around again, but we went by so quickly I still couldn't read it. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yeah. It said, 'Don't stand up in the car.'"

Policeman: "Did you get the li...

Policeman: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?"
Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!"
Policeman: "How can you be so certain?"
Pedestrian: "I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!"

An 85-year-old widow went on a...

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

ABC

Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.

"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."

"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?

"It's running down my leg."

After a hard day of drilling, ...

After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. "All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall." Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained. He looked at the officer and sincerely said, "Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, serge."

Meditate with me

“Nobody wants to meditate with me! I guess my 'om' is just getting too much resistance.”

American-Yiddish Dictionary

JEWBILATION - Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED - Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
CHUTZPAPA - A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the baby's diaper.
DISORIYENTA - When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
MISHPOCHAMARKS - The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
ROSH HASHANANA - A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
FEELAWFUL - Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
KINDERSCHLEP - To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
OYVAYSMEAR - What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.
JEWDO - A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

Nate Bargatze: Comedy for the Troops

When you do comedy to troops you stay on an army base, but in Bahrain you could actually leave the base and go to the downtown Bahrain. When you go out there theyre like, Look, its safe just dont draw attention to yourself. Dont wear American t-shirts and stuff. And youre like, All right thats fine, no American t-shirts. So what are you going to do about the white on my skin?

Girl: Baby I am wet.

Girl: Baby I am wet.
Boy: Want a paper towel?
Girl: No, I want more than that.
Boy: Want 2 paper towels?
Girl: No, baby I want something big and round.
Boy: Damn you want the whole roll?

Parents

What do you call a couple who uses the rhythm method of birth control?

Parents.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

You should be thankful for my

You should be thankful for my many criticisms – I'm giving you piece of mind.

A woman asking people question

A woman asking people questions for her company's survey walked up to a man and asked if he would be willing to participate. He said, “Sure”. She asked him to name something expensive that he wished he had never bought. The man answered, “My wedding ring.”