Popular jokes (10171 to 10185)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
It was recently discovered tha
It was recently discovered that spearfishers are gay. Because they Lance Bass.The Brita-ish
The Brita-ish love filtered water.The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form
Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply]
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been atMcDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you 'buy condoms by thetruckload' indicates that you may be interested in me for somethingother than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questionsabout yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants,then you can't GET into my pants.
___ Your 'Putting on a few, aren't you babe?' comment, given the9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned revealsan inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase 'My Mother' has popped up far too often inconversation.
___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to getyour High School dipolma, are slight negatives.
___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.
___ Your gift of a 2oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds , showed style.
___ Three final words.... Size does matter.
Sincerely,
[Your name here]
Funny jokes-No charge
Joey says, "Do you mind telling me the charge officer."
The cop replies, "No charge to you. It's all part of the service."
He Remembered
A Canadian tourist is fascinated by the Native American way of life and culture, so he decides to visit a reservation in the United States to find out more.
After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation.
Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life.
The tourist is curious and asks the chief: “What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?”Without hesitation, the chief replies: “eggs”.
The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief’s words, even after his visit had long since ended.
Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again.
He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with “how”.
“Scrambled,” the old chief replied.
Cleanliness #jokes #humor
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It's so sanitary the whole place shines." "Please," said the other roach, frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"Quotes From Stupid 01
These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway
"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse
"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio
"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer
"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio
"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.
"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)
"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal
Attitude toward whiskey...
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."
A Unitarian Miracle and Other UU Jokes
Q: Have you heard the latest UU miracle?A: Someone saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a tortilla.Q: Why can't Unitarian Universalists sing very well in choirs?A: Because they're always reading ahead to see if they agree with the next verse.Q: What do you get when you cross a Unitarian Universalist with a Jehovah's Witness?A: Somebody who comes knocking at your door for no apparent reason.Harvesting a profit...
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, and the car became bogged.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later, the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields, incredulously, and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?
"No," the young farmer replied, seriously. "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
Not horny, but have
Dick and Sally had been married for 40 years, and Sally was getting frustrated because Dick was not interested in sex much anymore.Sally's neighbour suggested to Sally that she "spice" up her sex life by using new methods to turn on her husband. The neighbour suggested that Sally go out and buy a pair of crotchless panties, and wear them about the house as she was doing housework, and they would help her feel sexy.
The neighbour told Sally that all she would have to do was flash Dick with her new panties while they were watching TV later that night, and he would be on her like a flash.
After a few hours of wearing these new crotchless panties, Sally was feeling quite frisky and ready for some action. As they were watching the late night news, Sally winked at Dick, and flashed him a view of her new panties, and said "Honey, would you like some of this?"
He takes one look, and says "Hell no....I ain't touching that with a ten foot pole....LOOK WHAT IT DID TO YOUR UNDERWEAR !!"
