Popular jokes (10441 to 10455)

Business one-liners 13

Any wire cut to length will be too short.

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.

Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.

Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. - Claude Shouse

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.

Anything in parentheses can be ignored.

Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.

Anyone crossing the Lone Star

Anyone crossing the Lone Star State on foot surely Texas time.

Doctor....

One day an old lady walked into the doctor's office and was shown into a room. When the doctor came in and asked what the problem was, she answered, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent and doesn't smell at all."

The doctor, after examining her thoroughly, gave her some pills and told her to take one everyday and come back in a week. The lady returned, and when the doctor asked if her problem was any better she replied, "Well I don't know what you gave me, but now my gas smells terrible!"

The doctor replied, "Well, now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!"

“Marie was curious ab

“Marie was curious about radium.”

I want to be a pastry chef, be

I want to be a pastry chef, because I feel that tart imitates life.

Helping your father

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

Birthday jokes-Present

Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

Good on ya mate

A Kiwi guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and Jill (the Kiwi Barmaid) takes his order, a Speights, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.

Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders a Speights and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a Speights and sits in the corner.

Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in New Zealand and he tells her: "Nelson".

"So am I... What suburb in Nelson?"

"Wakatu" he replies.

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Leach Place" he replies.

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 7" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 9! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS KIWI THINKS KIWI!

Good on ya mate

Parent-teacher conference

When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.

“For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk.”

“I don't understand,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?”

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Hallinan, our appointment is tomorrow.”

Happiest day of your life...

Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

Did you hear about the teacher

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots...."
Her trial starts next month.

A man walking along a Californ

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lordsaid, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grantyou one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormousbottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearlyexhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me tojustify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think ofsomething that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want toknow how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silenttreatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong",and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

What do you call a person that...

What do you call a person that speaks 3 languages?
"Trilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages?
"Bilingual"
What do you call a person that speaks 1 language?
"American"

Misproununciation?

President Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated at one of the finest tables. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a short skirt and legs that won't quit comes to his table.

"What would you like, Mr. President?" Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and answers, "A quickie."

The waitress stomps off in total disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: "What would you like, Mr. President?" Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: "A quickie, please." This time her anger takesover, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, "Um, Mr. President, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'.

This man in a Ford Granada pul...

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"