Popular jokes (10456 to 10470)

Reward For Goodness

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

Locutus suffered from excess flatulation after feasting on the s'more gas Borg.

#joke #short

 Programming Language Acronyms

ADA: A Dumb Arrangement
ADA: A Dumb Acronym
ADA: A Dumb Annoyance
BASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic Coders
BASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical Code
BASIC: Beginner's Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite Confusion
C: Crud
C: Confusing
COBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused Language
COBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated Language
COBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages
COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated Languages
COBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunatics
COBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our Lethargy
COBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our Loathing
COBOL: Compiles Only Because Of Luck
COBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized Language
COBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed Lunatics
FORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverland
LISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid Parentheses
LISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous Parentheses
PASCAL:\Programmers Against Structured Code And Language

A guy walks into a bar, orders

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and sits down. A couple of minutes later, the bartender sees the guy talking to his hand. Not wanting any of his other customers to beat this guy up, the bartender walks over and tells the guy to stop talking to his hand.
"But I got a cell phone implanted in my hand, bartender!" Sure enough, the guy has a phone implanted in his hand.
"Well, put it away before you get beaten up," says the bartender.
This guy finishes his drink and goes to the washroom. When he doesn't come out, the bartender gets worried and goes looking for this guy.
He finds him in the washroom with a toilet paper roll shoved up his ass.
"I told you," says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm fine," says the guy, "just waiting for a fax!"

When I told my family I was be

When I told my family I was becoming a yoga instructor they looked at me like I was a mat man.

Four women were chatting in th...

Four women were chatting in the locker room of their health club, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin' the salami and so on, there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."

"What's that?"

"Finishing the job."

Knock Knock Collection 075

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Godunov!
Godunov who!
Godunov to eat!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Goose!
Goose who!
Goose see a doctor, you don't look well!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gopher!
Gopher who!
Gopher broke!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gordie!
Gordie who!
Gordie-rectly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla me some cheese on toast please!

 Oregon Crazy Law

Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.

Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.

Dishes must drip dry.

It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property.

You may not pump your own gas in service stations.

The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart.

One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e.,that which covers one's body from neck to knee.

Beaverton

You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm.

Eugene

It is legal to conduct a horse race or a symphony concert.

It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays. (Repealed in the 1970s)

Hood River

Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license.

Klamath Falls

It's illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane.

Portland

People may not whistle underwater.

It's against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink. (Repealed in 1989)

You cannot wear roller skates in restrooms.

Marion

Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.

Myrtle Creek

One may not box with a kangaroo.

Salem

Women may not wrestle in Salem.

Springfield

It is illegal to own a reptile within the city limits, unless you are a school or city, as a pet.

Stanfield

No more than two people may share a single drink.

Cloth towel dispensers are banned from restrooms.

#joke #doctor #animal #horse #snake #kangaroo #pet #food #onion #garlic #eating #sport #fishing #wedding

Sheng Wang: Fear of Rats

I realized that I have an irrational fear of rats. I did not know there was going to be so much wildlife in this city. One night I was walking home really late, I walked past this huge pile of garbage. And inside one particular trash bag was a whole lot of movement going on -- inside the bag, like real aggressive, but unidentified rustling. I was so frightened, my only thought was, Oh my god, I hope thats a baby. Please be a toddler in that bag. Thats how much I hate rats; they make child endangerment comforting.

A duck went into a bar and ask...

A duck went into a bar and asked for some crackers. The waiter said no.

The next day he came into the bar and asked for crackers again. The waiter said no, again.

The next day he came in again and asked for crackers. The waiter said no.

The next day the waiter said if you ask for crackers one more time, I will nail your beak to the counter.

The next day the duck asked if the waiter had any nails. "No," said the waiter.

The duck then asked "Do you have any crackers?"

Adam and Eve...

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.... When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Why is it called a 'Picnic'?

Why is it called a 'Picnic'?
Betty Sue wanted to eat outside on a hot summer day with her boyfriend. Problem: she had two boyfriends, Fred and Nick. Considering she knew she wouldn't have a very happy lunch if the two boys were arguing, she decided just to choose one boy to have the meal.
She Picked Nick.

10 words that do not exist...but should...

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

For delaying a shipment of pud

For delaying a shipment of pudding, I was thrown into a Siberian prison, aka the goo lag!

A man and woman got divorced a...

A man and woman got divorced after about three years. The woman decided to find another man. She went out and dated several men, but could not find one who satsifed her in bed. So she decided to try a woman. She went to different places and bars trying to find someone.
Then she met this woman. They talked and hit it off ok. So they went home and went to bed together. After they had finished having sex the woman said, "You know that wasn't all that good."
The other woman rolled over and said, "That's OK, sugar. You weren't any better when we were married."