Popular jokes (10471 to 10485)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A man comes home from an exhau...
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? YouÂ’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "ItÂ’s started..."
At A Grocery Store
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
Really funny jokes-illegal to count
A Swedish tourist in New York was standing in front of the Empire State building, and started counting all the floors.
A policeman approached him and thought to himself: "This guy must be Swedish" and decided to take advantage of him. He went up to him and said: "Do you know that it is illegal to count the floors on buildings in the United States?"
The Swede replied: "No sir, I had no idea."
The police officer then said: "I'm afraid I'll have to charge you $10.00 per floor you counted."
The Swede then said: "Oh, I counted 50 floors, sir."
After the police officer left, the Swede thought to himself: "My, how these Americans are stupid! I told him that I had counted 50 floors when I had actually counted 51!"
A policeman approached him and thought to himself: "This guy must be Swedish" and decided to take advantage of him. He went up to him and said: "Do you know that it is illegal to count the floors on buildings in the United States?"
The Swede replied: "No sir, I had no idea."
The police officer then said: "I'm afraid I'll have to charge you $10.00 per floor you counted."
The Swede then said: "Oh, I counted 50 floors, sir."
After the police officer left, the Swede thought to himself: "My, how these Americans are stupid! I told him that I had counted 50 floors when I had actually counted 51!"
#joke #policeman
What did Fog say to Mrs. Fog?
What did Fog say to Mrs. Fog?#joke #short
Baldness...
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Johnny thought for a second and said, "I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly without hair."
A blonde woman in Georgia boug
A blonde woman in Georgia bought a magnolia tree from a local nursery but, after only a few months, its leaves shrivelled and it appeared to be on its last legs. She took some leaf samples back to the nursery and demanded an explanation."Oh, I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia tree, ma'am," said the manager.
"Good," she replied. "What is it?"
"Autumn!" he said.
#joke #blonde
Faith in the future
“The mad scientist's faith in the future of autonomous cyber-canines was dogmatic.”
#joke #short
Said the FBI agent to the bank
Said the FBI agent to the bank teller after the bank was robbed for the third time by the same bandit: "Did you notice anything special about the man?""Yes, he seemed better dressed each time!"
#joke #short
A new CEO takes over...
A new CEO takes over at a struggling startup business and decides to get rid of all the employees that are slacking. On a tour of the office, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
He canât believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, âWhat are you doing here?â
âIâm just waiting to get paid,â responds the man.
Furious, the new CEO asks âHow much money do you make a week?â
A little surprised, the young man replies, âI make about $300 a week. Why do you ask?â
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, âHereâs four weeksâ pay, now get out right now and donât come back.â
The young man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out of the office.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, âDoes anyone want to tell me what just happened here?â
From across the room comes a loud voice, âYes, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200.â
A mother tells her little boy,
A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar." Johnny asks, "Why?" His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!" The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman. He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"#joke #mother
Really funny jokes-Melrose Place TV series Rules
Melrose Place TV series Rules
1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever.
2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should do both, often.
3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka.
4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard.
5. Pretend you're pregnant.
6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't convenient, fake your own death.
8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.
9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.
10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.
11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking... or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.
12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you.
13. If you get fired, get drunk.
14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."
15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool.
16. Randomly insult the people around you.
17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily sedated.
18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice the salary.
19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times.
20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you can't carpool to work with them.
1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever.
2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should do both, often.
3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka.
4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard.
5. Pretend you're pregnant.
6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't convenient, fake your own death.
8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.
9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.
10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.
11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking... or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.
12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you.
13. If you get fired, get drunk.
14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."
15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool.
16. Randomly insult the people around you.
17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily sedated.
18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice the salary.
19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times.
20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you can't carpool to work with them.
An elderly woman walked into t...
An elderly woman walked into the main branch of Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money involved.The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after opening the bag and seeing the bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to $3 million, he phoned the President to make the appointment for the woman.
The woman was escorted upstairs to the President's office. Introductions were made and she said that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank President then asked how did she come into such a large sum of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No" she answered
"Was it from playing the Stock Market?" he inquired.
"No", She replied
He was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how the elderly lady came into such a large sum of money.
"I won it by betting" she stated.
"As in horses?"
"No", she replied, "I bet on people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she would bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The bank President figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to taker her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances, since there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew, this would be a lucky day-how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. Then the bank President asked what the other man was doing in the office with her, and she explained to the President that he was her Lawyer and she always took him along on bets when large sums of money was at stake.
"Well", she asked, "What about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this", he answered with a smile, "But I'm the same as I've always have been, only $25,000 richer."
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank President thought that this was a reasonable request and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, and she grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.
The bank President then looked up and saw the Lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked.
"Oh, him", She answered, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:30 this morning I'd have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
