Popular jokes (10471 to 10485)

Your house plants are alive, a

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids nextdoor won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condomsand pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm nevergoing to drink that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for realwork.
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!

A woman said to her friend, "I

A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house picking up after him."
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash it when you are done and put it back in its proper place.'"
The woman asked, "Did it help?"
Her friend replied, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."

They made a movie about life b

They made a movie about life before disposable diapers, aka Cloth Encounters of the Turd Kind.

Three day Pass #jokes #humor

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

Let's get technical...

In 2031, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven...

"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh...Mr....... President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to abandon all hope, just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

“Since I've quit soc

“Since I've quit soccer, I've lost my goal in life.”

What did he say?

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?” The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman says, “May I see your license?” The woman turns to her husband and asks again, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” And the old man yells, “He said he knows you!”

A man escapes from prison wher...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

Thanksgiving Trio

Three Thanksgiving Jokes:

• Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.


• When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, “I'm thankful I didn't get caught,” and refuse to say anything more.


• Keep your eye off the turkey dressing. It makes him blush!

Hilarious jokes-From Mars

A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.

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Operating in stand-by mode.
Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
Out there where the buses don't run.
Outlet isn't grounded.
Over the rainbow.
Overdue for reincarnation.
Overruns above 110 baud.
Paged/swapped out.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Parents beat him with an ugly stick.
Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
Perfect chassis, bad driver.
Perfect face for Halloween.

Duck Dance...

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Malingerer: a...

Malingerer: a kid who hangs out in shopping centers.

Dana Gould: Plastic Surgery for Senior Citizens

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70s, its kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, theres no shame in it.

Attached is some correspondence

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a Londonhotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involvedsubmitted this to the Sunday Times.
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING
***
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroomsince I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the sixunopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and anotherthree in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, fromher day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish asyou requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and puton top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from themanagement is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning thelittle bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I foundyou had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. Iam going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my ownbath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on theshelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Pleaseremove them.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which weare instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in yourway on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. Iput the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed insidethe medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not objectto when you checked in last Monday. Please let meknow if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid,
Dotty
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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that youcalled him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maidservice. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you willaccept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have anyfuture complaints please contact me so I can give it my personalattention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel forbusiness at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's thereason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those littlebars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was anew check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in mymedicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on thebath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little barsof soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to yourroom and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my roomincluding my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had tocall the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. Icannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids areinstructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. Thesituation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies forthe inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in lastnight and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little barsof Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize Ihave 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Thenyou complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so Ipersonally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anythingabout the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not knowI had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 dailyCamays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-sizeDial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in yourroom.
Elaine CarmenHousekeeper
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside medicinecabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - Onnorthwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks areneatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of morethan 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soapdeliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sizedDial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid furthermisunderstandings.