Popular jokes (10471 to 10485)

Wildebeest farts are a

Wildebeest farts are a gnu's scents.

Mickey and Donald in a Foxhole

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?
A: Because Donald ducked.

A man and his wife were drivin

A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop and the next gasoline station and fill up.
"What can I do fer y'all?" the attendant asked.
"Fill it with supreme," the man said.
While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down and sideways. "What kinda car is dis here?" he asked. "I never seen one like it before."
"It's a brand new Cadillac," the driver said proudly. "It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments..."
"Wow," said the attendant. "That there's the fanciest car I ever did see."
"How much do I owe you?" asked the driver when the attendant had finished.
"That'll be $30.25," he replied. The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10. Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change. Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees.
"What're them little things there?" asked the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," said the man.
"Goodness," said the attendant. "Them Cadillac people think of everything."

“A sewer is a tailor.

“A sewer is a tailor.”

Top 10 Reasons to Celebrate Easter

10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments." 9. You look really, really good in yellow. 8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge. 7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad. 6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies. 5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed. 4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason. 3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play." 2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot. 1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?

Tommy Davidson: Breaking Down "Scooby Doo"

Have you ever broke Scooby Doo down? I mean, come on -- he rode around in a van with the flowers on the side, on a Saturday morning, looking for a haunted house. Tell me they wasnt high.

Singing In Church

A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said, "Sex!"
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

A wealthy man commissioned Pab

A wealthy man commissioned Pablo Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the final canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks."
When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet.
Returning the photograph Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"

 Question And Answer Jokes

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: Once launched, they can't be recalled.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.

Fly Without Wings

Q: What is a fly without wings?

A: A walk.

Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz

Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?
She had three men giving her directions.

Things to do in an elevator...

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, 'Hi Greg. How's your day been?'

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, 'That's mine!'

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, 'Did you feel that?'

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again!'

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, 'Group Hug!' and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, all of you, just shut up!'

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, 'Got enough air in there?'

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, 'Your one of THEM!' and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, 'I have new underware on'.

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, 'This is MY personal space!'

An old man, a boy, and a donke

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey.
As they went along, they passed a goup of people who remarked it was a shame the old man had to walk while the young boy was riding. The man and boy thought about the criticism and decided maybe the people were right, so they switched places.
Later they passed another group of people who remarked that it was a shame that the old man made the little boy walk. The two travelers decided that they would BOTH walk.
Soon they passed a third group of people who said they were stupid to walk , when they had such a fine donkey to ride. So, the two decided they would both ride the donkey.
The next group of people they passed said that it was AWFUL that the two put such a heavy load on the poor donkey. The old man & boy thought that maybe the people were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
Soon they came to a river, with a narrow bridge spanning it. As they attempted to cross the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story ?
If you try to please everyone, you may as well............
kiss your ass goodbye.

Remove the curse...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".

I went back to my home town a

I went back to my home town a decided to visit the house I grew up in.
I ask the occupants if I could come inside. They said, "No!"
My parents can be so grouchy some times.