Popular jokes (10486 to 10500)

Faith in the future

“The mad scientist's faith in the future of autonomous cyber-canines was dogmatic.”

A new CEO takes over...

A new CEO takes over at a struggling startup business and decides to get rid of all the employees that are slacking. On a tour of the office, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.
Furious, the new CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why do you ask?”
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out right now and don’t come back.”
The young man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out of the office.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?”
From across the room comes a loud voice, “Yes, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200.”

 Men And Computers

Q: Why are men like computers?
A: As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer you couldn't have gotten a better model!

Brother John entered the "Mona

Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you wish, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbott said to him: "Brother John, you have been here 5 years now. You may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbott said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "
You may say another two words, Brother John."
"Cold Food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I Quit," said Brother John.
"It is probably best," said the Abbott. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

So what are your plans?

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

1. Golden Retriever: The sun i...

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining the day is young,
we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside
worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring
that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the
light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these
people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed
any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no
one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still mess on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...
13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...
15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE
MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

Two antennas met on a roof, fe

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!

Like a door knob

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?

A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Goat for dinner....

This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

The Inspired Sermon

The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, “Father, that was a good sermon.” The priest replied, “Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit.”“It wasn’t THAT good!” she said.

Moses on His Walkie Talkie

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. "When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. "Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Chuck Norris can hit you so ha...

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Old maid

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

"Returned unopened"

I need some advice on what cou

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out "with the girls" a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".
I always look out for her ride coming home but she always walks from around the corner, I can usually hear a car driving off as she walks towards our house. If it really is a taxi why not just get dropped off in front? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again, and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she was getting out of. It was while I was crouched behind my car that I noticed rust on my exhaust tip.Should I take it to the dealer for replacement, or should I just take the opportunity to buy the aftermarket 3" I've been looking at. Its a big decision so I thought I would ask for your advice. Maybe I'll just try to buff it out.
Help me out.

Friars Dean Martin, Bob Hope, Johnny Carson