Popular jokes (10501 to 10515)

The Copy Machine Handout

In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet.
The copier is out of order!
Yes, we have called the service man.
Yes, he will be in today.
No, we cannot fix it.
No, we do not know how long it will take.
No, we do not know what caused it.
No, we do not know who broke it.
Yes, we are keeping it.
No, we do not know what you are going to do now.
Thank You

There once was a woman from Ee...

There once was a woman from Eeling,
Who had a peculiar feeling.
She layed on her back,
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling!

Hot Dog!

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Million Dollar Smile

I decided to make sure my wife had a smile on her face every morning...
Now I can’t keep sharpies in the house anymore.

One Sunday morning, the pastor

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,"Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"

Seven days to live

Doctor: "I've got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live."

Patient: "What could be worse news than that?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you for the last 6 days."

Fascinate

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

A mother mouse and a baby mous...

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along when all of a sudden a cat attacked them.

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Sheng Wang: Fear of Rats

I realized that I have an irrational fear of rats. I did not know there was going to be so much wildlife in this city. One night I was walking home really late, I walked past this huge pile of garbage. And inside one particular trash bag was a whole lot of movement going on -- inside the bag, like real aggressive, but unidentified rustling. I was so frightened, my only thought was, Oh my god, I hope thats a baby. Please be a toddler in that bag. Thats how much I hate rats; they make child endangerment comforting.

 Steven Wright 24

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
This is my impression of a bowling ball... [Drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it...] Gutter...
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

A blonde couple was delighted ...

A blonde couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".

We're ambitious about pu...

We're ambitious about puns! We've got plans to corny the market.

 A Collection Of Insults

At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.
They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world.
Look through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.
You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?
Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.
You will never be able to live down to your reputation!
Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

A Publicist for Moses

Moses: “How are we going to get across the sea? The Egyptians are close behind us!”General of the army: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build our own bridge to carry us across. But there’s not enough time for that.”Admiral of the navy: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.”Public relations officer: “I don’t have a solution, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of here, I’ll get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!”

Death and Taxes

Death and taxes are inevitable...
But at least death doesn't get worse every year!