Popular jokes (10516 to 10530)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Robert Schmidt 09
Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
I bought a portable cable TV.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.
I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom.
Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and there's no cure in sight.
I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.
Qs and As
Q:
Qs and AsQ: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What's the fastest way to a mans heart?
A: Through the chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: Why does the bride wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q: How do you know when you are really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends,"
Q: Why did god create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could have sex,too.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Beer nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breast don't have eyes.
Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time" a southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."
He Is A Very Smart Dog
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."
The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."
Short Irish Jokes
Q: Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
A: It has a 12 month waiting list.
Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
A: A St. Patrick's Day Parade
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare.
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Chuck Norris can hit you so ha...
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"Man: "Wanna hear a joke about ...
Man: "Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Oh never mind, it's too long."Woman: "Want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind, you'll never get it."
Friars Dean Martin, Bob Hope, Johnny Carson
How Do You Pronounce Kissimee?
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee.
They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
A fun quiz...
No cheating! Don't jump to the answer, just scroll down and answer each question one at a time...Take this test mentally, don't write down your answers, and don't shout them out.
1. Pick a number from 2 to 9. It can be 2 or it can be 9, or any number in between.
2. Take that number that you've chosen, and multiply it by 9.
3. That should give you a two digit number. Take those two digits and add them together.
4. Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it.
5. Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet, numbering the letters. A=1, B=2, C=3, and so on.
6. Take your letter, and think of a country that begins with that letter.
7. Take the last letter in the name of that country, and think of an animal.
8. Now, take the last letter in the name of that animal, and think of a color.
9. But always remember, that there are no orange kangaroos in Denmark!!
After being married for thirty
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
According to the Knight Rider
According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metalbands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds hasbeen changed.The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey,abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."; until the agency received thefollowing letter from an Arkansas camper:
Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible.
The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."
