Popular jokes (10531 to 10545)

Ticket Trouble

A minister was pulled over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, “Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy.”The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, “Go thou and sin no more.”

Electric cars are silent by de...

Electric cars are silent by deaf ignition.

Moth inspector

A man walks in his room after work and is suprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed. After careful examination he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains. He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there.

'Who the hell are you?' he yells.

The naked guy replies 'I'm the moth inspector'

'Oh yeah! what are you doing naked?'

He looks down and exclaims 'Oh my god! I'm too late!'

When in a bar, you can order a...

When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.

 Aussie Love Story

Dazza is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day, when He
sees His Girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Dazza slams on the brakes and yells, "Shazza what in the Blazes d'ya think ya doin'?"
Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says,
"G'Day, Dazza.
You got me pregnant, so now I'm gunna kill meself".

Dazza gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
"Shazza", he says "Fair dinkum love, not only are ya a top root, but
you're a real sport too!"
and drives off

A mother took her daughter to

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.
I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

A husband, proving to his wife

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "What?"

After being married for thirty

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asked, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

Teaching Math in 1950:

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. Thecardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dotsrepresenting the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost ofproduction contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subsetof set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of theset "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do youthink of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation afteranswering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the loggercut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2000:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercisinghis stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, becausethis encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 2010:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and whendemand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cutback. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. Thecontracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 2017:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesiansubsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paidhalf). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl,and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spottedowl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress forexemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exemptsthe company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment ofthe lobbying costs?

Three day Pass #jokes #humor

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

Cute kids...predicting the future

Amy: Can people predict the future with cards?

Joan: My mother can.

Amy: Really?

Joan: Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.

“Since I've quit soc

“Since I've quit soccer, I've lost my goal in life.”

Annual physical...

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

What did he say?

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?” The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman says, “May I see your license?” The woman turns to her husband and asks again, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” And the old man yells, “He said he knows you!”

A man escapes from prison wher...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"