Popular jokes (10756 to 10770)

 Passing A School Bus

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
"Unlawful to Pass School Bus from Either Direction"
I guess that some people misunderstood that, because now it reads:
"Unlawful to Pass Stopped School Bus from Either Direction".

Church Bulletin Bloopers

A worm welcome to all who have come today.

Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.

Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.

Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

#joke #friday #animal #worm #food #lunch

Big Moe Wants Some

This big ole' trucker is driving through Dallas one night and decides to stop at this bar that a buddy of his had told him about. He parks his rig and goes inside. He walks up to the bartender says in this dumb-hick voice,"Big Moe wantsa get f*uked."

The bartender looks at him and tells him it'll cost him 10 bucks.

Big Moe drops a ten-dollar-bill on the bar.

The bartender tells him to go across the street to the hotel and knock on room 14 he'll get want he wants there.

So Big Moe goes over to the hotel and knocks on door number 14. This HUGE James Earl Jones type voice barrels from inside, "What the HELL to you want?"

"Big Moe wantsa get f*uked," our friend answers.

"Well," the voice replies. "Slip 20 dollars under the door."

So Big Moe slips the cash under the door.

He's waitin for awhile and nothin happens. A few minutes later he decides to knock again.

The big voice asks again, "What the Hell do you want?"

"Big Moe wantsa get f*uked," he answers.

The man on the other side shouted through the door, "What Again!"

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

An old doctor went way out to the boon-docks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said.

"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!!"

This guy enters a bar located

This guy enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looked like a nice place and he then takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here before," the first guy says.
"Oh really," the other replies, "it's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gough, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible," the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look," the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it!" he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window, again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!...he comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast!" he says.
"Well, what the heck, OK...I'll give it a try," the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...100... 200...300...500...1000 feet and SPLAT!!!!... ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.
After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"I believe in dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures."

 Employee Want Ad Translations

Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

The Old Monk

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.

He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."

John Oliver: Still the King

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.

Pecans, Walnuts, or Peanuts

I asked the three-year-old what he likes to eat.
“Nuts,” he replied.
“Great,” I said. “What kind, pecans? Walnuts? Peanuts?"
“No,” she said with a smile, “donuts!”

Arj Barker: Friends With Kids

I only have, like, three really good friends, and they get worse every year. And its gotten to the point where I think theyd rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. Im like, Alright, but really, wheres the loyalty, man? Ive known you for 25 years. How long have you known your baby -- like a month? Alright, Judas, whatever.

A teacher in a political scien...

A teacher in a political science class asked the students, "Who is the most powerful person in the US?"
A student answered, "The First Pet?"
The teacher then asked, "Why?"
The student explained, "Because, the president kneels before him, talks to him, listens to him, follows him, prefers him to office staff, looks after his wellbeing before the voters', cancels/defers official duties in favor of him, and boards Airforce One first."

A vacationer called a seaside

A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told.
"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.
Came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."

How Fast Was I Going?

"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."

A monkey is sitting in a tree

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walkspast and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have afew tokes together.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's goingto get a drink from the river.
The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on thru the jungle tothe river and leans over the river to get his drink.
Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and fallsinto the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him tothe side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a treeand smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fellinto the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he's gotta check this hippie monkey out and walksoff into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey isstill sitting and toking on the joint.
He looks up and says "hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "wwoooowww dude.............how much water did you drink?!!"