Popular jokes (10771 to 10785)

Hear about the diet soft drink

Hear about the diet soft drink for Boomers? Empty Nestea.

A study in the United Kindom s...

A study in the United Kindom showed that the kind of male face, a woman finds attractive can differ on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.

Up In Smoke

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail... And a $24,000 fine.
.......... ONLY IN AMERICA!

Numbers Equal Zero

Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b, which mean that 2 = 1.

What does that mean?

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the woman a bitch and the woman called the man a bastard.

Their son walked in and said "whats that mean?".

The parents told him it meant ladies and gentlemen.

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the woman said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "whats that mean?" and the parents said it meant hats and coats.

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "shit" he said, the kid came in, "whats that mean?" and the man said that it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Downstairs the mom was preparing the turkey and she cut herself with the knife, "fuck" she said, once again ther kid came in and said "whats that mean?"

The mom said thats was what she was doing to the turkey, then the door bell rang and the kid answered the door to see his relatives for thanksgiving, the kid said, "alright you bastards and bitches, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is down here fucking the turkey!

Pessimist...sees a dark tunnel

Pessimist...sees a dark tunnel.
Optimist...sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
Realist...sees a freight train.
Train operator...sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

Lung, lung o' go

Lung, lung o' goo, I gave up smoking.

The male RMT disliked his fema

The male RMT disliked his female clients. He was a massagynist.

“The geneticist taugh...

“The geneticist taught his students how to mendel defective genes.”

A Singing Lesson

An opera singer said she could teach me how to hit high C...
I said, “No thanks. I’ve heard that pitch.”

Three college friends, one eac...

Three college friends, one each from the Universities of Oxford, Cambridge and Loughborough, decided to pool their funds and go to the Olympics in Barcelona. The airfare and hotel rates ate up most of their money so they didn't have enough to get into the stadium to see the events.
So they stood around the gate

There were three men who got s

There were three men who got stranded on an island. A group of cannibals found the three men and took them to their place in the tropical rainforest of an island.
The cannibals told the three men to go in the rainforest and find ten of the same fruits each. So the three of them went into the woods to get fruits. An hour later they all came back.
The first man brought ten apples.
The Cannibals told the man to push all the apples up his ass with out crying, if he did not cry, the cannibals would let him go. The man pushed five up his ass then cried. The cannibals ate him.
The second man brought ten berries. The Cannibals told him to push all the berries up his ass without laughing, and if he didn't laugh, they would let him go. The man pushed nine up his ass then laughed. The cannibals ate him.
Up in heaven the first man asked the second man, "Why did you laugh, you were so close!"
The second man says, "I couldn't help it, the next guy came with ten pineapples."

Stick To The Plan

I was observing two men that were working for the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while I had to ask, "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

Church members...

Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

A couple was celebrating their...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.

"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.

My wife quietly said 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife, a redhead, promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once'."