Popular jokes (10786 to 10800)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Donkeys at Christmas
What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
Mule-tide greetings.
Scientology on Demand: aka
Scientology on Demand: aka Dianetflix. It's a streaming of consciousness.A Bad Gift for a Buddhist
Q: Why is a vacuum cleaner a bad gift for a Buddhist?
A: Because it comes with attachments.
Answering Machine Message 71
Theme music from Peter Gunn: My name is David. What people call me is something else entirely. I'm a P.I. It says so on my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then... she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr. Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone and I'll track you down. Here's lookin' at you, kid.
It's all in the marketing...
An inter-office softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.
To show just how the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2000 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, winning only one game."
The three wishes...
One day, a man was walking down the street when he saw a genie lamp in a nearby alley. Excitedly, he picked it up and rubbed it. A genie came out and said, "I will grant you three wishes, Master!"
The man was so happy, his first wish was, "I want a billion dollars!!!!!!"
"Your wish has been granted, a billion dollars is now in your bank account."
The man was even happier. "I want a beautiful woman!"
"Your wish has been granted," the genie said and a beautiful woman appeared!
"This is great!" said the man. Not wanting to waste his last wish, he decided to think about it for awhile longer. "I can't think of another wish right now, can I tell you later?"
"Make it so, whenever you say your wish, it will be granted."
The next day, the man was driving down the road, as happy as ever. He heard a popular commercial song on the radio and decided to sing along with it.
"Oooooh, I wish I were an Oscar-Mayer weinerrr......"
Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin
Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out... "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!"Pa replies, " there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."
So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, look's around and yell's back, " there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!"
Pa yell's back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!"
Ma says "ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back,"Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollars back, " now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, " Ma!Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the Toilet seat!"
To which ma replies "Hurt's , don't it?!
You Might Be A Redneck If 28
You might be a redneck if...
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
Daniel Kilpatrick: Pimp My Ride
For those of you over the age of 25, Pimp My Ride is a show where they take people with bad cars like mine and they give them all this stuff that they dont need. Like, if I went on that show, Id have very simple instructions. Id be like, Hey, I dont need a hot tub or a water slide or a popcorn maker or an ice machine or a place to perform surgery in my Cutlass. Fix my reverse.The Art Of Falling Apart
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel #5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obit, like I do every day;
If my name's not there, I'll once again start
Perfecting the art of falling apart!
A farmer walks into a lawyer's...
A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says: "I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees" "Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?" "Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar." "No no..., I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer. "No sur," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deer's" "You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge." "Oh!!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh Deer in!" The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?" "No sur", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin." Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?" "Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate!!"Little behind
Q. Why can you always win a race with Michael Jackson?
A. Because he always likes to come in a little behind.
