Popular jokes (1261 to 1275)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
The Dead Baker
Why couldn't the police identify the dead baker?
He was a John Dough!
Selection of recent Dad jokes and puns
When does a sandwich cook?
When it is bakin' lettuce and tomato.
Why did the smart phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts.
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-soda.
Why did the cow cross the road?
They wanted to go to the mooooovies.
What do you call a funky car?
Mustang.
What did the hammer say to his homeboys?
Nailed it.
Why are cats good at video games?
Because they have nine lives.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What is big and green and falls off over the tree will kill you?
A snooker table.
What did the French guy do when he drank too much water?
He went oui oui in his pants.
Where do pencils spend their vacation?
Pencil-Vania.
What do flies eat for breakfast?
A bowl of poop loops.
Why did the balloon go near the needle?
He wanted to be a pop star.
What did the duck do when he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Why was the tomato all red?
It saw the salad dressing.
What do you call a female magician in the dessert?
A sand witch.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
I hurt my foot driving the other day. You know what I called?
The toe company.
What does a dinosaur use to pay bills?
Tyrannosaurus checks.
British top 20 funniest new Christmas cracker jokes for 2020
The TV channel Gold’s eighth annual ranking, which is chosen by a panel chaired by the comedy critic Bruce Dessau, was put to 2,000 UK voters. Check out top 20 jokes.
1. Q: What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song?
A: Driving Home for Christmas
2. Q: Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop?
A: Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate!
3. Q: Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem?
A: All Virgin flights were cancelled
4. Q: Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?
A: They have herd immunity
5. Q: Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown?
A: Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen
6. Q: Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto?
A: Because eventually, it's behind you
7. Q: Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call?
A: Because there was no Zoom at the inn
8. Q: Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute?
A: He doesn't know how many tiers it should have
9. Q: What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner?
A: They put on a super spread
10. Q: Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time?
A: Home Alone
11. Q: How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly?
A: Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail
12. Q: Why won't Santa lose any presents this year?
A: He's downloaded Sack and Trace
13. Q: How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas?
A: It'll take ages to flatten the curve
14. Q: How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year?
A: Fine. No sweat
15. Q: Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials?
A: Because they only wanted guinea pigs
16. Q: Which government scheme supports Christmas dinner?
A: Eat Sprout To Help Out
17. Q: How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party?
A: Put him on mute
18. Q: How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited?
A: He keeps a logbook
19. Q: Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas?
A: Marcus Rashford
20. Q: Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem?
A: Because they couldn't book a home delivery
Complete and Finished
There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."
When you marry the right one, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.
And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.
Employee Motivation
The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I'm giving everyone a check for $5,000!”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks!”
The Stained Clothes
The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater.
I wasn't too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it'd never been there.
So I took the sweater down to Wong's Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he'd probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wong's again.
Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge.
And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain.
The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back to Wong's to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. "No charge," said Wong, "but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.
The Moral: ... Two Wongs cannot make a white."
April Fools’ Day Prank Idea
Putting hole punched paper into someone’s car vents and turning the fan to max. You’ll soon be driving a snow globe. The world needs more happiness
If you have the power to make someone happy, do it. The world needs more of that. For birthday husband...
For birthday husband bought wife a bath scale, as a joke. For his birthday, she bought him a ruler. Two penguins
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a great time! Today I am taking them to the beach."
Nightie
A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary, so he bought her a $100 see-through nightie.
That night, she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightie was still in its box downstairs.
Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said: "Jesus, for $100 they could've at least ironed it!"
Soft Hands
Q. What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful?A. Nothing, nothing at all.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeliefnetSabee
Health or Wisdom
It is better to be healthy than wise...
Being sick costs you money, but you can be dumb for free.
Few new short jokes for Friday
I just changed my computer login password to "Alcatraz" and now the "Esc"button won't work?
My wife left me because of my addiction to touching pasta.
Now I’m feeling cannelloni…
I love my job.
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows.
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd.
I am joining a secret society of electrical engineers. They just asked me to step into a large coil with a battery attached.
This is their current induction process.
Does anyone know how to get peanut butter out of hair?
I made myself a sandwich earlier.
When my father died, he wanted his ashes pressed into a record. It was his vinyl request.
I went to the doctor because every time I opened my eyes, I vomited everywhere.
He looked me over and said it was the worst case of see sickness he’d ever encountered.
