Popular jokes (1276 to 1290)

Why Are They So Strong?

Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?
Because the rest of the days are weekdays.

Employee Motivation

The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I'm giving everyone a check for $5,000!”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks!”

Robert Schmidt 01

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Few new short jokes for Friday

I just changed my computer login password to "Alcatraz" and now the "Esc"button won't work?

My wife left me because of my addiction to touching pasta.
Now I’m feeling cannelloni…

I love my job.
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows.
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd.

I am joining a secret society of electrical engineers. They just asked me to step into a large coil with a battery attached.
This is their current induction process.

Does anyone know how to get peanut butter out of hair?
I made myself a sandwich earlier.

When my father died, he wanted his ashes pressed into a record. It was his vinyl request.

I went to the doctor because every time I opened my eyes, I vomited everywhere.
He looked me over and said it was the worst case of see sickness he’d ever encountered.

The Three Little Pig...

“The Three Little Pigs order off the vegan menu, but Mary Had a Little Lamb.”

Hugs are powerful

“Hugs are powerful. They can be the comfort you need at the end of a long frustrating day, the impetus to express your grief, a display of complete happiness. They can communicate ‘I have missed you' as much as ‘You will be missed' They can mean the difference between feeling connected or isolated, between hope and despair. Never underestimate the power of a hug or of your ability to ground another person long enough to catch their breath, and see the possibilities they may have missed. Hug often. Hug well.”

Seeing Voices

I accidentally put eye drops in my ear...
Now I can literally see what you’re saying!

Monday Lisa

Monday Lisa

Kings birthday

Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him.

And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small grass house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to collapse down on the King.

Moral to the story is: He who lives in grass house, shouldn't stow thrones.

Two girls....

Two girls were having coffee when one noticed that the other girl seemed troubled and asked her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."

"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained.

"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."

"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll really miss me."

The Umbrella

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Kurt Braunohler: Slept Like a Baby

Slept like a baby last night. I woke up every two hours screaming in the dark and then I sh*t my pants and almost died for, like, no reason whatsoever.

Anal vs Oral

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating

I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I dont know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell -- oh, Id skate around just to chop off his fingers. I would, and I would not feel bad about that -- ever. Now when youre nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why were not on it.

I Am Napoleon

Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another patient asked, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"