Popular jokes (1321 to 1335)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Speed Limit
Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"
"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."
"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142" ...
Car or Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
Shrek was cursed by an evil witch...
The curse forced him to be unable to speak without singing. Unsure of what to do, Shrek visited Juan the Wizard in the neighboring swamp. Juan told Shrek he'd need to make a potion from toadstools, eye of newt, and the bones of the freshly deceased.
Shrek said he could handle the toadstools and eye of newt but he refused to kill an innocent person to solve his problem.
Juan understood and said that for a modest fee he would break into the nearby morgue and steal one for him. Shrek agreed.
The following day Juan the Wizard delivered as promised. After he left, Shrek began to prepare the potion in a large cauldron. Just as he was about to add the cadaver, Donkey burst through the door.
Mortified, he screamed, "Shrek! What the hell is that?"
Shrek turned and sang, "Some body Juan stole me."
A lady sitting in the dentist...
A lady sitting in the dentist chair told the dentist, "I would rather go through the pain of child birth than have you drill in my mouth." The dentist replied, "Well, you had better make up your mind so I can adjust my chair." Chris Rock: Invading a Country with Oil
Let me get this straight. We invade a country with oil, but gas costs more? That dont make no f**king sense! Now I didnt go to no fancy school or nothing, but Ill tell you this right now -- if I invade Kentucky Fried Chicken, wings will be cheap at my house.
Buying a newspaper
One day, a man's beloved dog passed away, leaving him heartbroken. His dog had been incredibly helpful, doing chores like washing dishes and running errands. Grieving, the man decided to find a new pet to fill the void.
At the pet store, he asked the manager if they had any animals that could perform tasks like his dog had. The manager looked around and said, "We don't have much, but there's this centipede."
Though skeptical, the man took the centipede home. To test its abilities, he asked it to fetch a beer from the fridge, and the centipede did so.
Next, he asked it to run a bath
It also accomplished.
Before getting into the bath, the man requested the centipede to go to the store and buy a newspaper. The centipede agreed. However, when the man emerged from the bath an hour later, he found the centipede at the bottom of the stairs, not having left for the store yet.
"Didn't I ask you to go to the store?" he questioned.
The centipede replied, "GIVE ME A CHANCE TO PUT MY SHOES ON!"
Send my luggage
Passenger to Airline Ticket Agent: I want my brown suitcase sent to Los Angeles, my green suitcase sent to Kansas City, and my tan suitcase sent to New Orleans.Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, sir; this flight is to Nashville. We can't do that.
Passenger: Why not ? You did it last time.
A beautiful, sexy, good lookin...
A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please? ‘The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!" An elderly man and woman meet ...
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."
The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."
Picking leaves .. and few more short jokes
I'm an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water.
It's my special tea.
“I have a split personality” said Bob, being frank.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath.
But I can’t even finish drinking the hot bath.
I don't own a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into!
I asked my boss, "Can I get a couple of weeks off for Christmas?"
"It's May," he said.
I said, "Sorry. May I get a couple of weeks off for Christmas?"
Fall in love
They say the only way to get over a broken heart is to fall in love again. So i fell in love with myself. Best relationship in. my life. World Animal Day Jokes
On 4th October let's celebrate World Animal Day with a few chuckles:
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Did you hear about the crazy Aussie scientist who decided to crossbreed a porcupine with a sheep?
He made an animal that is able to knit its own sweaters.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.
The nurse asked the rabbit "what is your blood type?"
The rabbit replied "I'm probably a type-o".
Did you hear about the crazy Aussie scientist who decided to crossbreed a porcupine with a sheep?
He made an animal that is able to knit its own sweaters.
I returned my lizard to the pet store today as it wouldn't stop telling me jokes.
The store clerk said "that isn't a lizard, it is a stand up chameleon."
What happened to the frog's motorcar when the engine blew up?
It was eventually toad away.
Q: What did the goose say when he purchased a new lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill please."
Q: Is a kangaroo able to jump higher than the Eiffel tower?
A: Of course. The Eiffel tower can't jump.
You are able to tell the gender of an ant just by placing them in water.
If they sink, girl ant. If the float, buoyant.
Q: Why didn't the leopard enjoy playing hide and seek?
A: Because he was spotted all the time.
Q: Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?
A: Because if they had 4 doors then they would be chicken sedans!
Two men are touring through a game park when they eventually come across a lion that has not eaten for many days. The lion starts hunting the two men. One of them starts to tire and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He sees the lion on its knees and hears it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
I have just started a dating website for chickens.
It is not my normal job, I am just doing it..... To make hens meet
I have the heart of a lion, I also have a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo.
#worldanimalday
