Popular jokes (1306 to 1320)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
I was sitting on the sofa last night watching TV...
I was sitting on the sofa last night watching TV, when my wife from the bedroom yelled, "Do you ever get pains on the chest like someone's got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."Then she asked, "How about now?
Skinny Dippers
Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Shy pebble, and few more new funny jokes
What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?
I don't know.
So it was YOU!
What’s it called when you steal your bike back from the thief?
Recycling.
My friend couldn't pay his water bill,
so I sent him a "get well soon" card
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
I was trying to steal some spaghetti from the local supermarket
... but the security lady saw me and I couldn't get pasta
I once met a shy pebble.
She wished she was a little bolder.
I think my wife had sixty one partners before me
…she calls me her sixty second lover
Earth is 70% water and uncarbonated.
Technically…
it is flat.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Seeing Eye Dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into thethick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
He Might Know You
There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says "Did you know you were speeding back there."The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband "What did he say, what did he say?"
The man turns to his wife and said "He said I was speeding." The officer then said "Where are you from?"
The man replied "Chicago"
The wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?"
The man turns to his wife and said, "He wanted to know where we came from."
The officer then said "Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago."
The lady then says "What did he say, what did he say?"
The man turns back and says "He says he thinks he knows you."
Bee that lives in America
What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A USB.
Author:PM_ME_UR_VULVASAUR_
Helen Keller walks into a bar,
Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table, then a chair.A wife, being the romantic sor...
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
He replied, "I am in the bathroom. Please advise."
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old...
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
Don't Step on the Ducks
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" 
There was this Asian lady marr...
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in esperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking? Hellooo, her husband speaks English!!
A student would do anything
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.
She leans closer to him,
flips back her hair,
and gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean,"
she whispers,
"I would do anything..."
He returns her gaze,
"Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens,
"Anything?"
"Anything,"
she repeats again.
His voice turns to a whisper.
"Would you
... study?"
