Animal jokes (316 to 330)

A girl was visiting her friend

A girl was visiting her friend, who had just acquired two new dogs, and she asked what their names were.
The friend responded by saying one was named Rolex and other one was named Timex.
The girl remarked, "Whoever heard of naming your dog something like that?"
"Hellooooo...," answered the friend. "They're watch dogs!"

Scotsmen are easily la

Scotsmen are easily lamb-pooned.

After a day of fishing at a ne

After a day of fishing at a nearby island, Bob was on his way home. No sooner had he crossed the bridge to the mainland, that he saw a policeman following him with his lights flashing. Bob pulled over, like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?"
"67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" repeated Bob.
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

Seriously

An egg and a chicken sit in a doctor’s waiting room.
A nurse walks out of the office and asks, “Alright, which one of you came first?”
“Seriously!” shouts the chicken. ”Here, too?!”

I try not to argue with farm a

I try not to argue with farm animals, but when I hear them braying at me, I'm just go easily goated.

Japanese goldfish act so Japanese goldfish act so koi.

#joke #short #animal #goldfish

Swallowed by a Whale

A sailor was swallowed by a whale and lived to tell the tale.
When asked by a reporter what the scariest part was he answered, "The graffiti... someone wrote 'Pinocchio was here.'"

Animal Welfare

I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."
“That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?”
“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”

A small zoo just outside Belfa

A small zoo just outside Belfast obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Paddy O'Riley, a part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Paddy had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Paddy was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500.00?
Paddy showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Paddy said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a "Ireland forever T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Paddy said, "I want all the children raised as Catholics." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Paddy said, "I'll need another week to come up with the £500.00."

During his ‘bestiality y

During his ‘bestiality years' Elvis recorded several hits: Not just ‘Hound Dog', of course, but also ‘Love Me Ten Deers', ‘Viva Las Wolverines', and ‘In the Gecko.'

Discard

Discarded animal entrails smell absolutely offal.

#joke #short #animal

Run, Sister, Run!

Two nuns are running away from a bear, who is gaining on them. “Do you think we’ll be able to outrun him, Sister?” one of the nuns asks the other.“I don’t have to outrun him, Sister,” said the other nun. “I only have to outrun you.”

During Prohibition did mice vi

During Prohibition did mice visit squeakeasies?

When a singing bird wakes me,

When a singing bird wakes me, I'm like “This means warble.”

A motorist was driving down th

A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a sparrow.
He pulled over, picked the poor sparrow who was still alive, but unconscious. He decided to take him home.
When the motorist got home, he put the sparrow in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside.
When the sparrow came back to life, he looked around and said, "Bars, bread, water... Oh my God! I have killed the motorist!!!"