Animal jokes (3451 to 3465)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 3451 to 3465. |
Optimist vs. Pessimist
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
Reptile Jokes 02
Where do frogs keep their money?
In a river bank!
What kind of bull doesn't have horns?
A bullfrog!
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights!
Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants?
They always want to play leap frog with him!
Why was the frog down in the mouth?
He was un hoppy!
Why is a frog luckier than a cat?
Because a frog croaks all the time but a cat only gets to croak nine times!
What's a toad's favorite ballet?
Swamp Lake!
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups!
Why did the lizard go on a diet?
It weighed too much for its scales!
What do you call the English Toad Prize giving cermony?
The Brit Awarts!
Pythagorean theorem
The first asks for a buffalo-skin hide as a cover, and this is duly delivered.
The second wife asks for a bear-skin hide and, although this is more dangerous to catch, one is eventually bought to her.
The third wife is the youngest and prettiest and she asks for a hippopotamus-skin hide as a bed cover.
This proves extremely difficult to find, but eventually she has her wish. Nine months later the first wife gives birth to a boy, the second wife gives birth to a girl, and the third wife has twins – a boy and a girl.
Which goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the squaw on the other two hides.
In PUN we believe!
Very funny jokes-First Twitter Date
Betty: ummm... I don't think so.
Brad: Well then how about my Twhirl pool?
Betty: Look.. you're a cute guy, but after seeing your Fail Whale this just isn't going to work!
For all of you with teenagers ...
For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
Silly Collection 23
What has a bottom at the top?
I don't know?
Your legs!
What is a skeleton?
Bones, with the person off!
What might you eat in Paris?
The trifle tower!
Which Elizabethan sailor could stop bikes?
Sir Francis Brake!
Have you ever seen a man eating tiger?
No, but in the cafe next door I once saw a man eating chicken!
What is the quickest way to double your money?
Fold it in half!
What do you get if you cross a Scottish legend and a bad egg?
The Loch Ness Pongster!
Little Johnny In Class
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, 'I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.' 'Very good, William,' cooed the teacher. 'My mommy had a baby,' said little Esther. 'Oh, that's nice,' replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. 'I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.' The teacher was relieved but puzzled, 'And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?' 'It'll teach those Indians not to 'screw' with the Lone Ranger.'Escargot
A married couple were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs.
The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
Sausage Factory
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
Dog Jokes 04
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A: A dog that chases cars - and catches them!
Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
A: You can step in a poodle!
Q: What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear?
A: A petticoat!
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
A: A terrified postman!
Q: What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
A: His bark was much worse than it's bite!
Q: What is a dogs favorite flower?
A: Anything in your garden!
Q: What dog wears contact lenses?
A: A cock-eyed spaniel!
Q: What's a dog favorite hobby?
A: Collecting fleas!
Q: What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal?
A: That hit the spots!
Q: What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena?
A: I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs!
A brilliant magician was perfo...
A brilliant magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, "It's a trick. It's not magic. You're a big phony!"Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other. Finally the cat sighed and said, "All right, smart-aleck. You and your darn tricks. What did you do with the ship?"
Hair Spray
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." 
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma
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