Animal jokes (3946 to 3960)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 3946 to 3960. |
Hilarious jokes-Arm rash
"I work at the circus, giving enemas to the elephants," the guy says.
"Quit doing that and the rash will clear up," the doctor says.
The guy replies, horrified, "What? And get out of show business?"
Lessons Learned from Geese
When you look to the sky this fall and see the geese migrating South, remember the following:When you see geese flying in a “V” formation, you might be interested in knowing what scientists have discovered about why they fly that way.
FACT: As each bird flaps its wings it creates an uplift for the bird immediately following. By flying in a “V” formation, the whole flock adds at least 71 percent greater flying range than if each bird flew on its own.
TRUTH: People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they are going quicker and easier because they are traveling on the trust of one another.
2. FACT: Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to go it alone and quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird immediately in front.
TRUTH: There is strength and power and safety in numbers when traveling in the same direction with whom we share a common goal.
3. FACT: When the lead goose gets tired, he rotates back in the wing and another goose flies point.
TRUTH: It pays to take turns doing hard jobs.
4. FACT: The geese honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.
TRUTH: We all need to be remembered with active support and praise.
5. FACT: When a goose gets sick or is wounded and falls out, two geese fall out of formation and follow him down to help and protect him. They stay with him until the crisis resolves, and then they launch out on their own or with another formation to catch up with their group.
TRUTH: We must stand by each other in times of need.
You might be a redneck if 57
You might be a reneck if...You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.
The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife.... and wave to her.
Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.
You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.
You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".
You own more than two clappers.
You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
A ventriloquist cowboy walked ...
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog : "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool" Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (Total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (Stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...."Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothing but liars!!!"
Lessons from Noah's Ark
Plan ahead… It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
Don't listen to critics- do what has to be done.
Build on high ground.
For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Two heads are better than one.
Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board but… so were the snails.
If you can't fight or flee—float!!
Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on Earth.
Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain– shovel!!!
Stay below deck during the storm.
Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
Don't miss the boat.
No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon.
Really funny jokes-Royals fan
"Oh please?," begs the customer. You see, you're playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big fan of the Royals."
"You're trying to tell me that this here dog is a BASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar," says the bartender. "No animals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don't like baseball!"
Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes wild. He jumps up on the bar and hops around in circles on his hind legs. Then he does the same on his front legs! The bartender is astounded. "That is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Who ever thought a DOG could like baseball?! I'm curious though....if he gets that excited when the Royals get a hit, what does he do when they get a home run?"
"I don't know," confesses the owner, "I 've only had him for five years."
A vampire bat came flapping in...
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure didn't!"
A Kansas farm wife called the ...
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
The National Game warden put o...
The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area. Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears. To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read-- small bears droppings are small with nut and berries in it. Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it.How much for the cow?
Once there was a man who was in love with a beautiful woman and he wanted to marry her. The woman told him that befor they could get married he would have to ask her father, who was a farmer. So the next day the man went to the farmer and said, "Sir I love your daughter very much and I would like to ask for her hand in marriage." The farmer sat there and looked at him for a moment and said, "I will let you marry her, but first you must compleat a test." Willing to do anything to be able to marry the girl the man aggred. The farmer said, "first you must jump the fence, swim the river and screw the cow in the barn." The man thought that it sounded easy enough so he did it. When he got finished he asked the farmer, "Ok now can I marry your daughter?" The farmer couldn't belive that the man had acutally done those things and thinking it was funny he told the man to do it again! So the man jumped the fence, swam the river, and screwed the cow, again! When he was finished the man went back to the farmer and asked "Now may I marry your daughter?" By this time the farmer was amazed that the man did all that a second time, and wondered if he would do it a third, so the farmer said, "Ok if you do all that one more time I will let you marry my daughter." So the man did it again. He jumped the fence, swam, the river, and scrwed the cow. When he came back to the farmer this time, the farmer said, "Ok now you can marry my daughter." The man said, "To hell with you daughter how much do you want for the cow?"The teacher was telling the cl...
The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie'flower!"
