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Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1561 to 1575)Jokes about doctor. These are funny jokes with doctors! These are the jokes listed 1561 to 1575. |
Three Nurses Tricks
Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.
The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.
The third nurse fainted.
Ouch!
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well soon.....From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Guilt...
A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.
Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"
Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."
Panicked father...
After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."
"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."
Breeding Bulls
My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.
The man lay on the couch telli...
The man lay on the couch telling his psychiatrist a sad tale. “I see my brother, Doctor,” he said. “He is walking down a long corridor, walking up fifteen steps in the green door. There are lots of people standing around. They’re bandaging his eyes – ooh – Doctor, Doctor what does it mean?” “Well,” said the psychiatrist, “if they ain’t playing blind man’s bluff he’s in real trouble.The Knob
A lady in her late 40's goes to a plastic surgeon for a facelift.The doctor tells her of a new procedure called 'The Knob'.
A small knob is implanted on the back of a womanâs head and it can be turned to tighten the skin, producing the effect of a brand new facelift forever.
Naturally, the woman wants 'The Knob'.
Fifteen years later, she goes back to the surgeon. "All these years, everythingâs been fine. Iâve turned 'The Knob' on lots of occasions and Iâve loved the results. But now Iâve developed two problems.
First of all, Iâve got awful bags under my eyes, and 'The Knob' wonât get rid of them."
The doctor looks at her and says, "Those arenât bags, those are your breasts."
"Oh," she says. "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
Submitted by ¤Ãúrtç¤
Edited by Tantilazing
Doctor Doctor Collection 08
Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!
Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen
Well sit down and write your name!
Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire.
Necks please!
Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!
Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift!
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor!
Midget Surgery
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
Still in the crate
A guy was playing golf, a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out. His friends took him to the doctor.The man asked him, "Well, what do you think, doc?"
The doctor replied," We're going to have to put in a support for about a week." He then takes four tongue depressors and ties them all together with string.
The man's face looked disappointed, he told the doctor "But tonight's me and my wife's honeymoon."
The doctor replied, "Your going to have to bear with it."
Later that night, the man and his wife were in bed. She took off her shirt and grabs her breasts, "No one has ever seen these before."
The man pulls out his wang and says, "Well mines still in the crate!"
Diagnosis....
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
A man was in a terrible accide...
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
Witness Interviews Gone Bad
Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood."
