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Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1696 to 1710)Jokes about doctor. These are funny jokes with doctors! These are the jokes listed 1696 to 1710. |
Size Does Matter!!!
A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh.""Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen."
Six months...
The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"
The Hippie and the Spice Rack
With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local casualty ward and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long-haired colleagues. So what was he doing then? asks the physician. Acid? Cannabis? Sort of, replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff. And what was in that? asks the doctor. Um, I kind of raided my girlfriends spice rack. says the hippie. There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a little paprika. Well, that explains it, the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. He is in a Korma.Age Quote
I have found at my age that going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to Grow in the middle.
Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.
What Could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that Will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only Thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Baby Light
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Problem With Women
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!"
Wacky Quacky Solution
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
Insomnia
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him. "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.""I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
The Diaper
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.
The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
A doctor got a phone call from...
A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. “We need a fourth for poker,†the voice on the phone said. “I’ll be right over,†replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?†“Oh yes, quite serious,†he said gravely. “They’ve had to call in three other doctors as well.â€Lazy Boy Decline
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.When the exam was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
