Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1681 to 1695)

Doctor, Doctor I think I am su...

Doctor, Doctor I think I am suffering from De-ja vu.
Didn't I see you yesterday?

A Lesbian Visits the Doctor

A lesbian goes to her doctor for her annual physical.

After the doctor completes the physical, she says, "You can

get dressed now. Your test results will be back in a few

days. Stop by my office and I'll review the exam I just gave

you."

When the patient gets to the office, the doctor says, "Well,

you seem to be in perfect health. I couldn't find a thing

wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on

your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients,

and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her genital area

so clean and fresh."

The patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason for

that . . . you see, I have a woman in at least three times a

week."

A little hard of hearing!

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

A forty-year-old hillbilly car...

A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly into the doctor's office, deposited him on the examining table, and said, "See if you can patch him up good. I shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum. Don't hurt him none, 'cause he's my son-in-law."

The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?"

The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when I shot him."

Just Fred

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS..
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

What did the doctor say?

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

Commit Suicide

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time.
She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again--the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules.
Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs--she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

Who Shot the Big Buck?

Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot at the same time and the buck dropped immediately. The hunting party rushed to see how big it actually was. Upon reaching the fallen deer, they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole.
A debate followed concerning whose buck it was. When a game warden came by, he offered to help. A few moments later, he had the answer.
He said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!" The friends were amazed that he could determine that so quickly and with so little examination. The game warden just smiled. "It was easy to figure out. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

A man runs to the doctor and s...

A man runs to the doctor and says: "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks: How long was she had this condition?"
"Two years." replies the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies: "We needed the eggs"

A man returned from vacation f...

A man returned from vacation feeling very ill. He went to see his doctor, and the doctor has him immediately rushed to the hospital for a range of tests. The man woke up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bedside was ringing. "This is your doctor," said the voice on the other end. "We've reviewed the results of your tests and we've found you have a very nasty virus, which is extremely contagious."

"Oh my gosh! What are you going to do, doctor?"

"We're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?"

"No, but it's the only food we can slide under the door."

Get Well Soon
A motorc...

Get Well Soon
A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon! Love, from the nurse you gave a ticket to, last week!"

A man goes to the doctor with ...

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

Hymns for All Professions

Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn: Standing on the PromisesOptometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light
Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician

The Generous Barber

After receiving a beautiful haircut, a doctor asks the barber, “How much do I owe you?”
“Oh, I never charge a doctor,” the barber replies. “You all do such good, important work.”
The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds a thank you note and a bottle of wine on his doorstep from the doctor.
Later that day, a police officer walks into the same barbershop. After a beautiful haircut, the police office asks the barber, “How much do I owe you?”
“Oh, I never charge a police officer,” the barber replies. “You all do such good, important work.”
The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds a thank you note and a box of candy on his doorstep from the police officer.
Later that day, a priest walks into the same barbershop. After a beautiful haircut, the priest asks the barber, “How much do I owe you?”
“Oh, I never charge a priest,” the barber replies. “You all do such good, important work.”
The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds twelve priests on his doorstep.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Skipping Days

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."