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Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1876 to 1890)Jokes about doctor. These are funny jokes with doctors! These are the jokes listed 1876 to 1890. |
A priest, a doctor, and a prof...
A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge.
(Silence)
PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night?
Low Sperm Count
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
Son of a lawyer
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
At A Grocery Store
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
Mental Institution Pop Quiz
Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.Jon is called into the doctors office first. The doctor says, Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?
Jon says, Id be half blind.
Thats correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?
Id be completely blind. The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jons way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.
The doctor asks Dan, What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?
Dan says, Id be half blind.
The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, What would happen if I cut off both your ears?
Id be completely blind.
Dan, how can you explain that youd be blind? asks the doctor.
Well, replies Dan, my hat would fall over my eyes.
I feel like my body has gotten...
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.
Hillbilly at the hospital...
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."
A woman walks into her Gynecol...
A woman walks into her Gynecologist and the doctor says "Miss why do you have "F" on your stomach"?The woman replies: "I went to bed last night with Fred and refused to take off his belt".
A couple of weeks later, she goes to her Gynecologist again and the doctor says: "Miss why do you have "C" imprinted on your stomach"?
The woman replies: "I went to bed with Chris last night and he refused to take his belt off".
A couple of months pass, the woman goes to her Gynecologist again, and this time the woman has "F and C" imprinted on her stomach.
The doctor says: "Miss now I know you didn't go to bed with Fred and Chris last night".
And the woman replies: "No, I went to bed last night with the Fire Chief and he refused to take off his helmet".
Three Months to Live
A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests the doctor comes in and says,"I've got some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?"
asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3 months to live."
The patient is shocked, "Oh my god! Well what's the good news then, doctor?"
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk,
"You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"
The patient says, "Yes."
The doctor smiles and replies, "I'm banging her!"
Window's vs. The Titanic...
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
This lady is having a bed wett...
This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go the doctor. The Dr. tells her to undress and to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a Dr. and gets in front of the mirror.The Dr. goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her after she gets dressed.
The lady puts her clothes back on and asks the Doc what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doc why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.
He replies, "Oh. I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."
Identity crisis...
A wild-eyed man, dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat, entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch, and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power--everything! But I'm afriad my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
The Doctor's Sign
A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a newpractice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of
his office, proclaiming his specialties:
"Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."
The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him
please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he
put up a new sign:
"Queers & Rears."
The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they
demanded the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not
offend the townspeople.
Finally, the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign:
"Odds & Ends"
