Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1861 to 1875)

Doctor, you must help me....

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. . . . doctor, I'm very concerned!"

The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said,: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

The old gent's response was, "Well. . . three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

During a visit to the mental a...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

Good news...bad news....

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."

Lawyers Brains

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?"

The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

A man went to his doctor to ha...

A man went to his doctor to have his penis examined because it was hurting. After a thorough examination, the doctor told the patient: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first," replied the patient.

"The good news," said the doctor, "is that we won't have to cut it off."

"Thank God," replied the patient. "Then what's the bad news?"

"It'll fall off by itself in a few days" replied the doctor.

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a ...

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a £10 note.

Why did the cookie go to the d...

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Â… Because he felt crummy.

Real News Headlines 05

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

What Should They Say?

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

An Englishman wanted to become...

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

Senior Birth Control

An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the

doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I`d like to

have some birth-control pills."

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,

"Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What

possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the

world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter`s

orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Doctors and nurses

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after their affair began, she announced that she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave the nurse a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby there.

'But how will you know when our baby is born?' she asked.

'Well,' he said 'after you've had the baby just send me a postcard and write Sauerkraut on the back.'

Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his surgery.

'John, dear,' she said, 'you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don't understand what it means.'

'Just wait until I get home and I'll read it,' he replied.

Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard. It said, 'Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut - two with wieners, one without.'

A guy walks into the doctor's ...

A guy walks into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

The children had all been phot...

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."

Golfer Goes to the Emergency Room

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, he tells the doctor, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wifes golf ball stuck right in the cows butt. Thats when I made my mistake.
What did you do? asks the doctor.
Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!