Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1846 to 1860)

Australian brain transplant Australian brain transplant
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

#joke #doctor

Journalism Degree

What do you call an advanced degree in sensationalistic journalism?

A doctor-it degree.

A guy goes into the doctors of...

A guy goes into the doctors office, he's got a banana stuck in each ear and grapes stuck up his nose. He tells the doc "I sure don't feel very good."

The doctor replies "Of course not, you're not eating right".

A man is strolling past the me...

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"

The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

Shot in the woods

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

"Dick Cheney agreed to be...

"Dick Cheney agreed to be President Bush's running mate once again in 2004. He made the announcement while riding in Ambulance One. In fact, he's got a new campaign slogan: No chest pain, no gain. ... He said he wanted four more years but his doctor is only giving him two." -- Jay Leno

A woman came to her doctor in a panic....

A woman came to her doctor in a panic.

"Doctor, all day long my daughter eats yeast and car wax, and won't get out of bed! What will happen to her?"

"Don't worry," said the Doctor, "eventually she will rise and shine."

An old man visits his doctor a...

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "Oh no! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

An Order of Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. But how will I let you know the baby is born? she asked. He replied, Just send me a postcard and write spaghetti on the back. Ill take care of expenses. Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctors wife called him at the office and explained, Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I dont understand what it means. The doctor said, Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you. Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.

A fellow nurse at my hospital ...

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

Arm Troubles

A man went to visit his doctor. Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please? the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the mans sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. Hello, Doctort; says the arm. Could you lend me twenty bucks please? Im desperate! Aha! says the doctor. I see the problem. Your arm is broke!

A pregnant woman went to the g...

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked that was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."

Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?"

"Yes" quite innocently came her reply.

"Undress so I can check" replied the still amazed doc.

So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.

After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, "Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it sure as hell is contagious!"

The Prognosis

The man told his doctor that he wasnt able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "youre just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Sister, Got Milk?

There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.
However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

How Do You Like That?

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor says, “No, Im not your father.”
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, “Are you my daddy?” And the father says, “Yes, I am!” So, the baby pops out of the mothers womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying, “How do you like that?! How do you like that?!”