Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (751 to 765)

The manager of a large corpora

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the poop of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.
The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"
The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with poop, but now you ask me to make decisions."

Sick Duck

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.
The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.
"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."    

A little girl was out with her...

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk."What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl,"and they screw you every time!"

Ever seen anything like this before?

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went. When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament.

The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

A doctor in a teaching hospita...

A doctor in a teaching hospital was discussing an X-ray with his students.
“This patient has been walking with a pronounced limp for some time,” he said. “The X-ray shows us his fibula and tibia are radically arched.” He pointed to a student. “You…what would you do in this case?” “Well, gee!” said student. I guess I’d limp, too.”

A hillbilly woman went to the

A hillbilly woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replies, "Damned if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman goes next door and comes back ten minutes later with her clothes torn to shreds. She is cut and bruised all over.
"What in tarnation happened?" asked her husband.
"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. So I told her to go s*** in her hat, and then all hell broke loose."

You know your doctor is too ol

You know your doctor is too old when you look at the framed diploma on his wall and realize his Hippocratic oath was signed by Hippocrates!

Doctor: You have a broken leg,

Doctor: You have a broken leg, a broken arm, four fractured ribs, and probably a brain concussion. Are you in great pain?
Patient: Only when I laugh!

The Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor's office include, 'take a left when you enter the trailer park.'

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

7. Only proctologist in the plan is 'Gus' from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is 'an apple a day.'

5. Your 'primary care physician' is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. 'Patient responsible for 200% of out-of- network charges' is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different colors with little 'M''s on them.

And The Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO...

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

 Diary Of A Computer Lamer

July 18
I just tried to connect to America online, which I've heard is the best online service I can get. I can't connect, I don't know what is wrong.
July 19
Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 20
I bought the modem, I couldn't figure out where it goes though, it wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 21
I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.
July 22
The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. He's so smart.
July 23
What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. I'm confused.
July 24
The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.
July 25
I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 26
I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.
July 27
These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
July 28
I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon.
July 29
I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasn't sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times.
July 30
I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didn't know spiders grew that large.
July 31
The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasn't sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times.
August 1
Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didn't have to use profanity.
August 2
I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited, I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.
August 3
I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more.
August 4
I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an "aol" is, however.
August 5
I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but I cant find that group.
August 6
Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

"What do you want to be when y

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A doctor." "And why's that?" "Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."

A doctor wanted to get off wor...

A doctor wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients... "The first one had a headache so he did...So I gave him Paracetamol."
"Very good, Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," says Murphy.
"Great! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Oh my... What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."

A Kentucky mountain woman went

A Kentucky mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.
When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replies," Heck if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Damned if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was, and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go piss in her hat, and then all hell broke loose!"

 West Virginia Crazy Law

If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

It is illegal to snooze on a train.

According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag.

When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers.

Whistling underwater is prohibited.

Alderson

One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash.

Nicholas County

No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

Huntington

Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse.

It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps.

#joke #doctor #animal #tiger #lion #food #onion

A man asked his doctor if he t...

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be 100.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied. "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well, then," said the doctor, "why would you want to live to be 100?"