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Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (796 to 810)Jokes about doctor. These are funny jokes with doctors! These are the jokes listed 796 to 810. |
Diary of a computer lamer
July 18
I just tried to connect to America online, which I've heard is the best online service I can get. I can't connect, I don't know what is wrong.
July 19
Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 20
I bought the modem, I couldn't figure out where it goes though, it wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 21
I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.
July 22
The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. He's so smart.
July 23
What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. I'm confused.
July 24
The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.
July 25
I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 26
I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.
July 27
These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
July 28
I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon.
July 29
I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasn't sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times.
July 30
I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didn't know spiders grew that large.
July 31
The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasn't sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times.
August 1
Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didn't have to use profanity.
August 2
I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited, I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.
August 3
I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more.
August 4
I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an "aol" is, however.
August 5
I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but I cant find that group.
August 6
Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle,
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WAOne day I had to be the bearer of bad news when Itold a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Notmore than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest ofthe family that the had died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including thevisual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chartand began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He readthe 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read.Now both," I requested . There was silence. He couldn't evenread the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he haddone exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyescovered I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointmentwith his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that hewas having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. Thenurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to putit!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped Iwouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of completeconfusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years -- whenmy husband was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So,how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for theKentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. Ithen asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled"KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
And Finally . . . A new, young MD doing hisresidency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover hisembarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. Themiddle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burstout laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his workand sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wishI was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
Being the boss
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, saw his wife and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."
A guy went to his doctor full...
A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do." The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to have sex with your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex."
"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away."
He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face. Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.
"What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your wife?"
"Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."
The mural
Every newspaper in New York sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the office of a local ophthalmologist when it was learned that he recently performed a successful sight- saving operation on the wife of the country's most celebrated mural artist, who, in addition to paying the doctor's usual fee, had gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the doctor's waiting room.
The mural turned out to be an immense multicolored picture of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect miniature likeness of the good doctor himself.
While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked:
"Tell me, if you can, Doctor-what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your office?"
"To tell the truth," the physician replied, "my first thought was, thank goodness I'm not a hemorrhoid specialist!"
An old lady, who lived on the...
An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg.As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.
Several weeks later, the doctor took off the cast.
"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.
"Yes," the doctor replied.
"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shimmying up and down that drainpipe!"
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot...
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
Shortly after a car was broads
Shortly after a car was broadsided in a busy intersection, a good Samaritan rushed to see if anyone was hurt. He saw that the driver was dazed and bleeding."Hang in there, lady," he said. "Are you badly hurt?"
"How the hell should I know?" she snapped. "I'm a doctor, not a lawyer."
Follow in my footsteps...
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
NASA Mars Mission
NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
A woman goes to a doctor named...
A woman goes to a doctor named Dr. Wong. "Doctor, I can't get a date, no one will go out with me." In a very thick Asian accent, Dr. Wong says, "Take off clothes and get on all four hands and knees." She does. "Now crawl to wall." She does so and looks back at him. "I know what wrong." “What is it Doctor! What do I have?" "You have Ed Zachary disease." "Ed Zachary disease? What is that?!" "You face look Ed Zachary like you ass!" 
