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Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (931 to 945)Jokes about doctor. These are funny jokes with doctors! These are the jokes listed 931 to 945. |
Paddy was making his first vis
Paddy was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed Paddy. "He don't know nothing now."
Old patient
A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment.
"What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.
The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred!"
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said, "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old gent's response was, "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
A man goes to the doctor to fi
A man goes to the doctor to find out about his recent tests."It's real bad, I'm afraid", says the doc, "you've got a disease so new that it hasn't even got a name yet - we just call it 'Blue 56'. The only certain thing is that you don't have much more than three days to live."
Naturally the guy is devastated, and goes into a big depression. His girlfriend suggests they go to a casino to cheer him up just a bit till the end comes. So he goes reluctantly.
As he walks into the Casino, he's the millionth customer and wins a brand new Rolls Royce.
Then he pulls the handle of a slot machine as he passes, and wins the golden jackpot of £7 million.
He sits down for a rest at the Blackjack table and wins £100,000 - straight 21's and he can't even be bothered to turn the cards.
Weighed down with money, he throws it onto the nearest table. But it's the roulette wheel and the money is on 22 - which promptly comes up!
"Jeez," says the croupier, "I never seen luck like that in my whole life!"
"No, you don't understand," says the guy, "I've got blue 56..."
"Woahhhh! Now you've also won todays raffle!!"
Doctor, you must help me....
A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.
The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. . . . doctor, I'm very concerned!"
The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said,: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old gent's response was, "Well. . . three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
A Woman in her late thirties i
A Woman in her late thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 42-year old arse?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
Dress Code:
1)
Dress Code:1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we willassume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need araise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need araise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be andtherefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. Ifyou are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are calledSaturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do fordead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to havenon-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rarecases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should bescheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to workthrough your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now astrict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stalldoor will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense,your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the"Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will besectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, sothat they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal tomaintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the timeneeded to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide apositive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and inputshould be directed elsewhere.
Pain reliever
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the area.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient shouted.
The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected.
"I can't do the gas thing!” the man protested. “The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill.
"No," the patient said. "I am fine with pills."
The dentist said, "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient replied: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra works as a pain pill!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."
Lunatics
Three lunat
LunaticsThree lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?" The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?" The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!" The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?" The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine." The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?" The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"
Actual Medical Charts
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
A man called and asked the che
A man called and asked the chemist, "My doctor ordered this prescription of ninety cholesterol pills for me. I got it filled at your chemist shop.As I was reaching towards the end of bottle a packet dropped out.
It instructed 'Do Not Eat'. Well that was three days ago, can you tell me when should I start eating now again. because I'm starving."
The good news
A man goes into the hospital for some tests. The medical staff knocks him out, and when he comes around there is a doctor peering over him, pulling up his eyelid and wielding the reflex hammer.
The doctor says: "Ah, I'm glad you're awake. I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says: "Don't hold back, Doc, tell me the bad news."
The doctor says "Your condition was worse than we thought and we had to amputate both of your legs."
The man asks: "What is the good news, then?"
The doctor replies: "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers."
A man returned from vacation f
A man returned from vacation feeling very ill. He went to see his doctor, and the doctor has him immediately rushed to the hospital for a range of tests. The man woke up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bedside was ringing. "This is your doctor," said the voice on the other end. "We've reviewed the results of your tests and we've found you have a very nasty virus, which is extremely contagious.""Oh my gosh! What are you going to do, doctor?"
"We're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?"
"No, but it's the only food we can slide under the door."
