Dog jokes (166 to 180)Jokes about dogs. These are the jokes listed 166 to 180. |
Helping Out The Knight
Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards.
After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts 'A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!".
The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, "Your pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses".
Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says "But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may accuire alternative transportation?".
The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?"
Sir Edgbert is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal". The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She dissapears inside and returns leading and enormous dogs which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. It's coat is threadbare, it's legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing labouriously.
Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, "Surely, you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"
A young cowboy from Texas goes
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education isdeveloping! They actually have a program here in College Station that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says."I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home."So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "
Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of theyear, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read... so he shootsthe dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited."Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that young lady who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed,"I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and then went into politics.
A ventriloquist walked up to a
A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."Indian: "Horse no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"
The story behind the letter be
The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport,Rhode Island named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard andsends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them withscientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. Thisguy really exists!Anyway... here's an actual response from the Smithsonian Institute. Bearthis in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respondto a difficult situation in writing.
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Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D,layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret toinform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusiveproof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million yearsago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, ofthe variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be"Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought tothe analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of uswho are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come tocontradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of thespecimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains aretypically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubiccentimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identifiedproto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent withthe common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Plioceneclams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses youhave submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seemsto weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, letus say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog haschewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request tohave the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load ourlab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating'snotorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best ofour knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior To 1956 AD, andcarbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National ScienceFoundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimenthe scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance ofyour proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the speciesname you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might beLatin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimento the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is,nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seemto accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director hasreserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimensyou have previously submitted to the Institute, and the entire staffspeculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the siteyou have discovered in your Newport back yard. We eagerly anticipate yourtrip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, andseveral of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.
We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theoriessurrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in astructural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femuryou recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9mm SearsCraftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities
I Get No Respect 05
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint bernard!"
"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."
This lady found out her dog co
This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."
And God Created Dog and Cat
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to 'Where do pets come from?'Adam said, 'Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.'And God said 'No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.'And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.' And God said, 'No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.'And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.'And the Lord said, 'No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.'And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't care one way or the other.You Might Be A Redneck If 78
You might be a reneck if...
Ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern.
Nurses wear flour sack uniforms and look like burned out cloggers.
Dogs hang around O. R. for scraps.
Maternity Room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife and a string.
Anesthesiologist in bib overalls, feeds you a clear liquid out of a mason jar.
Your Gynecologist is Ernest.
Your Proctologist, who watched Deliverance 200 times, asks you if can squeal like a pig.
The Interns are led by Ernest T. Bass.
Surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw.
Now that food has replaced sex
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even getinto my own pants.Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with arelative.
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screameror a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport theterminal?
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of themget elected.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh*t head's.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one specialperson you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number ofconsecutive days I've stayed alive.
How come we choose from just two people to run for presidentand 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having apeeing section in a swimming pool?
A little old lady went to the
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
Never fool around with a Little old lady!
