Dog jokes (436 to 450)Jokes about dogs. These are the jokes listed 436 to 450. |
Paul got off the elevator on t
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said."I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through and went right over the balcony railing.
Just then Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the truth," he replied, "He seemed a little depressed to me."
Lose Weight Fast!
There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the
world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale
diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None
worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he
noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A
voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to
lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card
number and we'll have a representative over to your house in
the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the
door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked
except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me,
you can have me."
Well,the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over
sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally,
panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he
was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the
bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed
to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the
other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to
which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty
pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give
me your credit card number and we'll have a representative
over to your house in the morning."
"At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock
on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful
blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck
stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a
good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out,
but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told
him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He
ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice
at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to
lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the
voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one
time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card
number, you just have your representative over here in the
morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed,
splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next
representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door.
When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a
sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, I am going to
have you."
Irish Laughs
Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."
An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."
There Was Just A Dog Fight
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"
"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."
"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
Why Men Live So Long
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will
work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on
your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will
live for 35 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too
much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You
will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to
whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his
table scraps and live for 30 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like
that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey.
You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You
will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown
of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10
years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the
only rational Being that walks the earth. You will
use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of
the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20
years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too
little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused,
the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey
rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry
and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy
loads on his back. Then, he is to have
children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry;
then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting
like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so...
This guy pulls into a crowded
This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon he that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”
A blind man was describing his
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were alldone for him:"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"
"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grasswhen I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival onthe ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".
Bernard, who is noted for his...
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four AM by his ringing telephone... "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said his angry neighbor.
Bernard thanked the caller politely.
The next morning at precisely four forty four AM Bernard called his neighbor back...
"Good morning, Mr. Williams... Just called to say that I don't have a dog."
You might be a redneck if 71
You might be a reneck if...
Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.
Your master bathroom has the words "porta" and "potty" written on the side.
You can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is frozen.
You only bathe when it rains.
You think "Dueling Banjos" is classical music.
You refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.
You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.
You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.
You think 'possum is the "other white meat".
Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.
Blonde Cop
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are walking by a mall.
A policeman starts running after them, so they start running too.
They come upon 3 sacks and jump into them.
The cop stops and kicks the 1st sack and the brunette says "Meow."
The cop says, "Oh, it's only a cat."
He kicks the 2nd sack and the redhead says "Woof."
The cop says, "Oh, it's only a dog."
Then he comes up to the third sack and kicks it.
The blonde says "Potatoes".
And the cop says "Oh, it's only a sack of potatoes!"
Do you know why the cop didn't catch her?
Because he was a blonde too!
* Police Begin Campaign to Run
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* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Eye Drops off Shelf
* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Deer Kill 17,000
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Air Head Fired
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
* Include your Children when Baking Cookies
* Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip
* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Service for Your Dog
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.
The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
