Dog jokes (1051 to 1065)Jokes about dogs. These are the jokes listed 1051 to 1065. |
You Might Be A Redneck If 31
You might be a redneck if...
You have guns in your house that you cannot find.
You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive department is raising your truck another 8 inches.
You think Wal-Mart is expensive.
You've got more guns "On Display" than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.
You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.
Your horse wears shoes, but you don't.
It doesn't bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.
You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.
You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.
Your dog is your alarm clock.
One day, a mailman was greeted...
One day, a mailman was greeted by a boy and his dog. The mailman said to the boy, "Does your dog bite?""No," replied the boy.
Just then, the dog bit the mailman.
"Hey, "he yelled. "I thought your dog doesn't bite!"
"He doesn't," replied the boy, "but that's not my dog."
A duck walks into a store and ...
A duck walks into a store and asks the guy behind the counter for duck food."Don't have any duck food. Just dog food and cat food."
"Okay, thanks," the duck says, and leaves.
The next day the duck comes back. Got any duck food? he asks.
"I told you -- only dog food and cat food."
"Okay, thanks."
The next day the duck shows up again, asking for duck food.
Now the man behind the counter is annoyed. I've told you for three days running, we don't carry duck food.
"Okay, thanks."
The fourth day, here comes the duck. "I'm looking for the duck food section."
The counterman blows his stack. You come in here one more time and ask for duck food, and I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor. You got that?
Next day the duck shows up again.
"What do you want?" the counterman asks threateningly.
"Um, got any nails?" the duck says.
"No, no nails."
"Okay, got any duck food?"
How can you prove that dogs ar...
How can you prove that dogs are man's best friend?Lightbulb Joke Collection 08
Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.
Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored.
Q: How many heavy metal fans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to say "Excelleeeeeent !"
Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Q: How many crusties does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just about to put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and start arguing that it's their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets dropped on the floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh this is and so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go down the shops to buy a new one. After having visited at least 2 off licences on the way, they find their way into the hardware shop. While crusty #7 is busily trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and a can of special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit into his long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are joined on the way back by crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've forgotten but they do at least *sound* familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues until someone remembers what the trip down the shops was all about. On their way back into the squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the group, and who is just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway once inside, the lightbulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is cranked up so the dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a Levellers gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on something that makes a noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding the last unsmashed lightbulb in its mouth.
You Might Be A Redneck If 23
You might be a redneck if...
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
You Might Be A Redneck If 47
You might be a redneck if...
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
Deep Thoughts 04
One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
A man goes into a bar with his...
A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!
A blind man was out walking wi...
A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"
"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."
Police Dog
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."
With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
