Father jokes (196 to 210)

Father: Why don't you get you

Father: Why don't you get yourself a job?
Son: Why?
Father: So you could earn some money.
Son: Why?
Father: So you could put some money in a bank and earn interest.
Son: Why?
Father: So that when you're old you can use the money in your bank account ...and you would never have to work again.
Son: But I'm not working now.

Advice From Mother

A daughter asks her mother, “What are character qualities that I should look for in a marriage partner? You know, for someone that I will be spending eternity with."
The mother replied, ”Go ask your father, he did better than I did.”

Rewarding Your Children

Father: You did well with your chores this week, how would you like a shiny new quarter?
Son: I'd rather have a dirty old dollar!

Little Johnny was in class one

Little Johnny was in class one day and the teacher was talking about anatomy. She held up pictures of male and female genitals and said this is called a 'penis' and this is a 'vagina'.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said his father had 2 penises.
When the teacher questioned him, he said that his father has a little one that he pees with and a large one that he brushes his mommy's teeth with.

All of his life Len from Cape...

All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July."

A prominent lawyer's son

A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, 'Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!'
His father frowned, and scolded his son, 'I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?'

Man1: I am going to be a fathe...

Man1: I am going to be a father.
Man2: Your wife should be happy now I guess.
Man1: The problem is she doesn't know about it.

An older couple had a son, who...

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them.The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unableto decide about his career path, so they decided to do a smalltest.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey,and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hopinghe would think they weren't at home.
The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will bea businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; butif he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will bea drunkard."
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waitednervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their sonarrive home.
He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later.Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against thelight, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took theBible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, hegrabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiffto be assured of the quality, then he left for his roomcarrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's evenworse than I ever imagined..."
"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.
"He's gonna be a politician." the father replied.

A family had twin boys whose o...

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

 Your Father Is Drunk

To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why,
Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.
He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks,
I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,
Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,
He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.
Sooooooo....
You better not pout, you better not cry,
I don't like that look in his eye,
Daddy's home and I think he's....
Daddy's home and boy is he.......
Daddy's home and he's really drunk!

A small boy came running out o...

A small boy came running out of the bathroom in tears.
"What's the matter?" asked his father.
"I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet."
"Okay, don't worry, but we'd better throw it out."
So the father fished the toothbrush out of the toilet and put it in the garbage. When he returned, the boy was holding another toothbrush.
"Isn't that my toothbrush?" the father said.
"Yes," said the boy, "and we'd better throw this one out too, because it fell in the toilet four days ago."

 Who Owns The Cows?

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father’s activities and be introduced to his father’s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.
The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer--a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman’s clothing. He said,
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"
The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"
After the client left, the lawyer’s son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows."
"Don’t worry about the cows!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"

Man: Just look at that young p

Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father.
Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.

 Helping Your Father

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

Marrying a Non-Jew

A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a non-Jew. The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism." "It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems." The son persisted.After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. "It's Shabbos," the son replied.The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day.""I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos.""See," the father said. "I told you marrying a non-Jew would cause problems."