Father jokes (331 to 345)

Kids Tough Question

Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions.
Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?
Father: Ok ask.
Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.
Father: !!!??????!!!

I Have A Question

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

The pharmacist

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night." We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out after that. And I have a feeling that I'm going to get lucky, so you better give me the 12 pack. The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

School absences

THESE ARE ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCES (SUPPOSEDLY) FROM PARENTS -- INCLUDING SPELLING.

*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

*John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

*Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheres by very close veins.

*Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.

*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

*Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Panicked father

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

Are Caterpillars Good To Eat?

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

The big shot CEO was in the wa

The big shot CEO was in the waiting room of the maternity ward of the hospital. Unlike the other fathers who paced the floor nervously, he sat poring over papers and checking his laptop computer constantly. After several hours, the nurse interrrupted his work. "It's a boy, sir!" she said.
"Well," snapped the CEO, without looking up, "find out what he wants."

50-50 partners

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half- owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

A very elderly couple is havin...

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

Stacey makes a new friend at s

Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her mother and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.
When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her New friend.
However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a gasp! ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three
shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't ... Didn't Mean to.."
"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Asda."
The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But ... But your Husband's' ashes..."
"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get himself up and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"

Generation gap?

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear uscomplaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all commentsbecome Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes yousad or angry, we meant the other one
11. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example,is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine . . . . Really.
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics asfootball or tanks.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22.Every dish can be improved with bacon.
23.Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room."
24.Women who sound sexy on the phone weigh 350 pounds.
25.No talking at the urinal.
26.A man may own exactly one pair of holiday-themed boxers.
27.Never date a woman whose father calls her "princess."
28.A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual.
29.The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.
30.Real men don't dance.

At a wine merchant's warehous...

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunk with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink. The old drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a Cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
"It's a Pinot Blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

 Know Because Of TV

Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
   
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
   
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
   
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
   
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
   
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
   
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
   
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
   
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
   
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
    
11. People of TV never finish their drinks.
    
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
    
13. The chief of police is always black.
    
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
    
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
    
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
    
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
    
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
    
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
    
20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
    
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
    
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
    
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
    
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
    
25. All single women have a cat.
    
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
    
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
    
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
    
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
    
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
    
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
    
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
    
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
    
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
    
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
    
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
    
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
    
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
    
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
    
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
    
41. You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.
    
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
    
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
    
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
    
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
    
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
    
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
    
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
    
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
    
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
    

Little Johnny's father notice...

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games.
In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."