Father jokes (436 to 450)

On the first day of school...

On the first day of school, Peter handed his new teacher a note from his mother. The teacher unsealed the note, read it, looked at Peter with a frown, and placed the note inside a desk drawer. “So what did she write?” Peter asked. “It’s a disclaimer.”
“A what?” “It says, ‘ The opinions expressed by Peter are not necessarily those of his mother or father,’”

I'm so ugly

I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)

Picture: Reuters

Martin had just received his b

Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

A little girl asked her father

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise...'"

A fifteen year-old boy came ho

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began toscream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I boughtit today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like thatfor fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--theyjust moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted tobuy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what shewill do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady livedand found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introducedhimself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteendollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. Ithought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaiiwith his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell hisnew Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

Smart kid

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Jewish Personals

Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning.

Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's

try it for eight days. Who knows?

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with,

light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah

together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not

important.

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get

get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha

B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva

Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast"

lane.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same

in woman.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No

personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism

of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who

will accept my independence, although you probably will not.

Oh, just forget it.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles,

Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks

non-smoker.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my

behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English

very good.

80-year-old bubbe, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish

male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart

to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.

Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties,

please.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent,

self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing,

skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen

desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and

krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.

“Look, Charlie,” the coach...

“Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.” “Yes sir, I understand.” “Good, Charlie. Now, would you explain that to your father?”

Joe’s dad scolded him for br...

Joe’s dad scolded him for breaking a neighbor’s window with a baseball.
- “What did he say to you when you broke his window?” asked the father.
- “Do you want to hear what he said with or without the bad words?”
- “Without, of course.”
- “Well, then, he said nothing.”

Which book has helped...

Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!"

Little Johnny and his father w...

Little Johnny and his father were walking in the park. They saw two dogs having sex. Little Johnny asks, "What are they doing, dad?"
Dad replies, "They're making puppies."
Later that evening little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom and they are having sex. He asks, "What are you doing?"
Dad replies, "We're making a baby."
Little Johnny replies, "Well, can you turn her over? I want puppies."

Morning Wood

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***

(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally

walked into the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's

washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.

Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever

hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom,

start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so

I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is

that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go

into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used,

take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still

manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his

left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya

those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no

longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am

required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this

is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the

toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked

toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot

to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about,

but because you and I have become such good friends and you

think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you

because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be

understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous

desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds

with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that

thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell,

if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the

wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women

insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat

covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So

that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat

and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that

perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the

guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get

the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You

jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat

stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that

compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning

that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack

off your

weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's

just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning

situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won't bend.

She said, "sit down like I told you to do

all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the

toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat,

and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath

towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you

are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the

toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from

the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top

of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it

runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching

fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of

the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this

morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman

position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal

of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but

it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl

during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally

to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and

bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just

get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a

problem!!!

Tom is almost 29 years old, hi

Tom is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Tom just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Tom replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Tom and his friend get together. "So Tom. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"
Tom shrugged his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."
"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not, my father can't stand her!"

Oral sex

A Priest had been in confessions all day without a break. He really had to take a dump, and his blatter was about to burst because he hadn't been able to relieve himself all day.

People kept coming to confess and the line was backed up already and he hated to leave. But he peeked out of his cubicle and signaled the janitor to come over.

He asked the janitor to cover for him and gave him the confessions book then sped off in the direction of the bathroom.

The janitor was a little bewildered but he went into the cubicle and sat down. A woman came knelt in front of his window and said, "Father I have sinned. I cheated on my husband."

The janitor scanned in the book until he found "adultery". He told the woman to say 50 "Hail Mary's" and wash in holy water.

Next came a man who told the janitor, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with another man."

The janitor looked and looked but he couldn't find a penance listed for oral sex. He leans out of the cubicle and whispered to an altar boy: "Hey, boy, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

With a smile, the boy replied, "Five dollars and a candy bar!"

Ten Things You Will Never H

Ten Things You Will Never Hear Dad Say
1. Well, what do you know? I'm lost. We'll have to stop and get some directions.
2. Well, honey, you are thirteen now. I bet you're ready for un-chaperoned car dates!
3. I like all of your friends' "Up Yours" attitudes.
4. Here are the keys to my new car. Oh, take my credit card, too. Have fun!
5. Football? You want to play football? What about figure skating, son?
6. Mom and I are going away for the weekend. Would you like to throw a party?
7. No, I don't actually know what is wrong with your car.
8. Son, let's go to the mall and get you an earring.
9. You don't need a job! I have plenty of money for you to spend.
10. Father's Day? Don't worry about that. It's no big deal!