Father jokes (886 to 900)

Try To Help The People

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

Dead Rabbit

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbour's daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes". Within the hour, the neighbour's car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am, I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"

Wedding speech

My nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter.

At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion.

But after a particularly long pause, he explained, “I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down.”

Looking out into the audience, he asked, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

Three Penny Tip

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."
The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

Little Johnny is about to go o...

Little Johnny is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "Johnny, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

Little Johnny picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as Johnny's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, Little Johnny thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

Little Johnny then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

The old man had died. A wonder...

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the town’s preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your pa.”

Admit That You Did That

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.
He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Nobody answered him.
He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Again nobody answered.
The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,
"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."
The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"
The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

My Mother Taught Me About...

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…

“Just wait until your father gets home.”

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….

“You are going to get it when we get home!”

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…

“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!”

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC…

“If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…

“If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…

“If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job.”

7. My Mother taught me HUMOUR…

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”

8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…

“If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS…

“You're just like your father.”

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…

“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…

“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

And last but not least…

12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE…

“One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….Then you'll see what it's like!”

New Priest in Town

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.
One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's . There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

These two little boys are sitt...

These two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs.

The father "gets the message", and they both get up and head towards the stairs.

The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "we're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV we'll be right back, Ok?".

The two boys nod 'OK', and the parents take off upstairs.

The eldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks
into his mom and dad's bedroom and just shakes his head.

Back downstairs he goes back to his little brother. "Come with me", he says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this Is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumbs."

Garbage day....

A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies.

To this his friend responds "Strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

Like son like father....

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Trip to Alcatraz...

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

Priest In Airport Customs

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!