Food jokes (241 to 255)

Mericful Mountain Lion

A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared, ready to devour the man whole. The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion. The lion then drops to his knees, looks up to heavens and prays, "Dear God, bless you for this food I'm about to receive."

Things to Ponder

- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do," is the longest sentence?

- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Ya Gotta Hook Em' To Cook Em'

Did you hear about the angler who baited his hook with peanut butter?
All he would catch was jellyfish!

What did Picard say when the f

What did Picard say when the food replicator was out of genuine Earl Grey tea?

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Peace and Pancakes

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall

Come out and watch us kill Christ the King

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale

It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house
Don't forget your husbands

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm

Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10

All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church
Children will be baptized at both ends

Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social
All ladies giving milk will please come early

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist
Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday

Due to weather conditions, there will not be any “Women Worth Watching” this week

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him

After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.

Rain & Diet Coke

I am constantly drinking Diet Coke.
On a rainy day I told my 9 year-old son that I needed an umbrella because I’m made of sugar and will melt in the rain.
He said, “You sure it's not artificial sugar?”

Bee My Honey

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey...
You know she's a keeper!

Learning About Democracy

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.

Women are just as hungry as me

Women are just as hungry as men, according to fAminist theory.

Honey, What Did the Doctor Say?

A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints. The doctor speaks to the man’s wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he’ll probably live another 20 years."She returns to her husband’s side in the waiting room. He asks,
"What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."

Where d

Where do hens go to lay eggs?

Two Clowns And A Cannibal

Two clowns are eating a cannibal.
One turns to the other and says, “I think that we got the joke wrong.”

The Wedding Proposal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”He slipped the priest the cash and walked away.The wedding day arrived. When it came time for the groom’s vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said,” Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”The groom gulped and looked around and then said in a tiny voice, “I do.”After the ceremony, the groom pulled the priest aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”The priest slipped the $100 back into the man’s hand and whispered, “The bride’s father made me a much better offer.”

Nun of Your Business

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.“The curlers are on me.”-

Lance Armstrong felt better af

Lance Armstrong felt better after appearing on Oprah. She gave him performance-enhancing hugs. Nonetheless, Lance committed male fraud: He was master of the pellets-on. Somehow he  never failed his testes—he didn't stop until he had one. Now, stripped of his Tour titles, the most shocking revelation is that Lance has a No Jersey accent. Anyway I guess it's back to eating Sheryl Crow. [The Gents thank Ashley, Bryan and Jordan for collaborating on today's puns!]