Food jokes (916 to 930)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 916 to 930. |
You Know You're a Mom When…
10. You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
9. You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
8. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
7. You can never go to the bathroom alone without someone screaming outside the door.
6. You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
5. You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
4. You actually start understanding the Klingon language.
3. You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
2. You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, 'Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?'
1. You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
Donald Trump's top jokes about White House chaos at Gridiron Dinner
On White House turmoil: "It’s invigorating since you want turnover. I like chaos ... Who’s going to be the next to leave? Steve Miller, or Melania?"
On his son-in-law Jared Kushner: "We were late tonight because Jared could not get through security."
On Vice President Mike Pence: "He is one of the best straight men you're ever going to meet ... he is straight. Man." Trump also said, "I really am proud to call him the apprentice "
On Attorney General Jeff Sessions: "I offered him a ride over and he recused himself. What are you going to do?"
On Kim Jong Un: "I won't rule out direct talks with Kim Jong Un. I just won't. As far as the risk of dealing with a madman is concerned, that's his problem, not mine. It's his problem."
On The New York Times: "I'm a New York icon. You're a New York icon. And the only difference is I still own my buildings."
On former chief strategist Steven Bannon: "That guy leaked more than the Titanic."
On the first lady: Trump said he doesn't understand why everyone says freemelania. He said she's actually having a great time
Cure For Lateness
Cure For LatenessBob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.
After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
The Lords Prayer
Frank Perdue's lawyer was working on an inspired scheme to sell more chicken.
He called the Vatican and requested a private audience with the Pope.
The request was refused, but the lawyer called again and again, and finally his request was granted.
A few weeks later he was brought into a grand and stately room for an audience with His Eminence.
He knelt and kissed the Pope's ring and explained who he was and who he represented.
Then he said, 'Your Holiness, I have a proposition to make that I think could be of huge benefit to both of us.
I'd like you to change the words of the Lord's Prayer from'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'
It will help my client sell more chickens, and we are prepared to pay the Church $1 million for this.'
The Pope shook his head firmly and said, 'No, young man, I am afraid that it is out of the question.
The words to that holy prayer have remained unchanged for 2,000 years.'
But the lawyer persisted. 'Well, Your Holiness, would you do it for $5 million?' 'No, no,' replied the Pope, 'absolutely not.
The Church holds tradition sacred and does not make changes casually.'
The lawyer stood up. 'All right, one hundred million dollars!
Would you do it for one hundred million? Think of what you could do with that money!'
The Pope reflected silently upon the starving people around the world, the far-flung missions, and the myriad of other financial burdens on the Church.
He looked over at the papal attorney before he nodded his assent. 'Please tell Mr. Perdue that we have an agreement.'
The next day, the Pope called a meeting of the College of Cardinals. 'Dearest colleagues,' the Pope began, 'I have for you some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we are receiving one hundred million from Mr. Frank Perdue to change the words of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' 'The bad news, friends, is that we're losing the Wonder Bread account.'
An eager young attorney had just opened his first office
He'd decorated it with expensive, heavy oak furniture, a collection of costly art posters, and various other accoutrements to impress any potential client who walked through the door.
He'd placed ads and sent out engraved announcements about his new business, and he was sitting back waiting for the phone to ring or his first client to appear.
Suddenly he heard the elevator doors closing and footsteps coming down the hall toward his office.
He wanted to give the impression of a successful professional, so he grabbed the shiny new phone receiver and plunged into imaginary conversation. 'Yes, Mr. Torrence,' he intoned as the stranger entered the office, 'I'll attend to that business as soon as I've a free minute. I'm sure you're aware that Mr. Hollings had wanted me to handle his estate. I had to put him off, since I'm far too busy with other cases, but I'll manage to sandwich yours between the others somehow. Yes, yes, certainly, it's my pleasure, sir. Goodbye.'
Certain that he had properly impressed his prospective client, he hung up the receiver and turned to face the stranger, who was patiently waiting. 'Excuse me, sir,' said the man, 'I've come to connect your telephone.'
A wife and her husband were ha...
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman walking alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
Silly Collection 10
What do you call an American drawing?
Yankee doodle!
I was once in a play called "Breakfast in Bed"
Did you have a big role?
No just toast and marmalade!
What key went to college?
Yale!
What is a volcano?
A mountain with hiccups!
Why was the broom late?
It over slept!
What runs but never walks?
Water!
What is green, four legs and two trunks?
Two seasick tourists!
A blonde walks into a restaura
A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt..."Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"
Jon left for a two day busines...
Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit.
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."
George: Condi! Nice to see you
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Con di: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi?
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China!!!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone!!!
Farm Jokes 08
What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs?
A pigtail!
Where do cows go on a Saturday night?
To the moo-vies!
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk!
Why did the baby turkey bolt down his food?
Because he was a little gobbler!
Why did the starstruck chicken cross the road?
To see Gregory Peck!
What kind of tie does a pig wear?
Pig's tie!
What is another name for a cow?
A lawn-mooer!
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
Because she was afraid someone would caesar!
What do you call a pig thief?
A hamburglar!
A Texan and his wife were on a
A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had justfinished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that shehad neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to godown to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of36-C bras.He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.
The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras.
She asked, "Would you like two Playtex?"
He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitinfer me up in the room."
